Lately I’ve been feeling a heaviness in my chest and a lightness in my head. It kind of feels like all my commitments are catching up with me while simultaneously it feels like I’m not doing enough.
I’ve been struggling a lot with feeling like I’m living in the moment. I spend so much time on social media and the internet, pretty much doing nothing, and I’ve really wanted to take a step back from that. I’ve always had a really addictive personality and I’m definitely addicted to social media. I deleted snap chat this past week because it was the app I felt added the least to my life. I like the idea of deleting everything but 1 app but it feels kind of impossible right now. I know I should be able to cut down without just deleting everything but sometimes it takes cutting something completely out to stop feeling like you need it.
Anyways, I’ve been trying to find ways to feel more connected with everything, with life. I started reading up on “slow living” and the idea really stuck to me. If anyone wants to read a summary of what it’s about, click here. I’ve been trying to get back into hobbies, get more involved in things at school or in the community. My biggest problem still lies in motivating myself to do more in ~the real world~ and spend less time in cyber space. I’m working on it.
On the topic of “working on it” – last week I did a massive purge of my closet and I’ve genuinely never felt better. Minimalism is something I’ve been working on for years and I don’t necessarily think I’ll ever feel like I truly accomplished it, but I definitely feel closer. I’ve spent the last couple years selling my “unnecessary” items on kijiji, which while wonderful I still never felt like it really made a difference and I still owned way too much junk. Moving into an apartment with roommates where I only had one room to myself definitely helped. I got rid of a lot of the non-necessities. This past week as I mentioned I feel like I took a big step and finally got rid of so much clothes I never wear. Getting dressed in the morning was becoming dreadful because I spent so much time picking stuff out and not even being happy with it. So I finally got rid of all the items that no longer fit, that are out of style, that I don’t feel happy wearing, etc. I 10/10 recommend this to anyone. Less is definitely more.
On top of this random emotional baggage I feel like I’ve been randomly really grappling with my past lately. I don’t know what it is, but things like “Facebook memories” just never let you move on from things. I’ve been trying to make amends with the parts of my past I’m unhappy with, or the things that are out of my control. It’s hard, but I’m trying. If anyone has any tips to just like – stop caring? – that would be wonderful.
Anyways, this is a lot of emotional word vomit. I hope that with the holidays coming up soon that everything will fall into place. Soon I’ll be submitting my application for Midwifery and that will be one less (very big) thing to worry about.
I’m just here trying to remember to ~breathe~.