sad

Green Apple Candle

I mentioned once in a post that I don’t usually remember what loving someone felt like because my memory fades fast. I can’t often hold onto the emotion itself, so I rely on photos and videos and writing I’d done in the past to relive moments. I depend on replaying memories in hopes of remembering how I felt at that exact point in time.

I’m having a hard time right now, because I’m beginning to forget what “loving you” felt like. I have few photos of you and the ones I do hide your face. I have no video and I’m forgetting the sound of excitement in your voice when you told stories about your family, the ocean or your plans for the future.

On one hand, I’m relieved, because you came into my world like a storm: strong, loud, and impossible to ignore. You so quickly made your home in my heart but seemingly just as fast, you decided my love wasn’t for you, and much like a storm, you vanished as rapidly as you arrived.

You left me so utterly confused. I was retracing moments, conversations, trying to figure out exactly where you made the decision to leave me. In what moment you no longer thought of my authenticity as brilliance, but emotionally draining.

There was some point in time where our compatibility and your desire to be with me trumped the work it took to maintain a relationship with someone like me. But maybe that’s just it. I was willing to comfort your moody soul and you weren’t willing to nurture my sensitive one.

Where there were once memories of countless naps in your large embrace and the smell of your green apple candle endlessly burning, there is now the memory of receiving your message telling me you’ve chosen someone else, and seeing them get on the bus at your stop moments later. There is cold text conversations and general aversion.

If it weren’t for these cyber memories I apparently can’t let go of, I would doubt that anything between us ever existed at all. But each time I return to those memories, each time I re-read an old message from you, some distance forms. It feels less like something I experienced and more like a conversation that took place between two seemingly perfect strangers.

He sent her “sometimes I feel like meeting you was my reward for everything kind I’ve ever done. I keep falling harder and faster, enjoying you more and more and you’re already so far off the scales. God bless everything that created you blank. I’m so happy to be sharing my life with you.” And she read the message and felt nothing. The butterflies asleep in her stomach, her heart maintaining a steady beat, the ducts of her eyes completely empty. And she thought: “this is what moving on feels like”.

Little Life Update: Being Someone Who is Sad – Not a Sad Person

Hello Folks,

Sometimes I hate my intro, but I think I’ve grown too accustomed to starting all posts like that so I feel obligated to. It does help me from having to think of a creative way to dive into a post. If I didn’t have it I think all my posts would start with some nonsensical rambling like this. Sigh. Anyways.

I think my years worth of posts have made it quite evident that depression is something I have experienced, in waves, throughout my life time. I’ve never been able to pin-point what brings it on, or when it started and I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to come closer to a conclusion.

I know that a staggering amount of women experience depression and suicidal thoughts as a result of the birth control pill, and having started the pill when I was about 15, similarly around the time I started feeling these bouts of depression, I thought that maybe that could have been it. I discontinued the use of my birth control in the summer, and instantly I noticed my mood swings go away. I thought my depression had gone away too, until recently.

Sometimes I think it may be from an overbearing amount of emotional stimulation. I tend to feel everything arguably too deeply. Having recently gone through a break up from my boyfriend of almost 4 years, it was safe to say I was really sad. We lived together, technically still live together, and seeing each other so often can obviously be hard. It’s difficult to be sad about something ending, happy you’re still friends, but confused on what seeing them every day means.

I think my whole life I’ve always analyzed everything, every interaction, every thought, every possible outcome of a situation and obviously this can become very draining. On top of the emotional rollercoaster I consider myself to be on, I think it’s just become too much.

It’s just scary to think because I wanted to blame birth control. I didn’t want to be a sad person, I just wanted to be a person who had sad thoughts because they were on this pill that had those results as a side effect. It’s a little over whelming in itself to come to that conclusion. That something inside of your brain is wired in a way that just makes you feel sad. That makes you want to push the people you love away from you. It’s like turning over in bed at night and wishing so badly the other person would grab you back, even though you were the one to turn over in the first place.

I try to remind myself everything that is going really well. I repeat to myself the things that are making me happy. The changes in my life that I’m amidst of. The things I’m doing right now that will pay off in the future. But it can be so friggen difficult. It’s hard to know if you’re ever doing the right thing, if being in school again is even worth it. What if I fail my classes? What if I’m not smart enough? What if I don’t get into midwifery? I can’t go back to working full-time at a brain-numbing job. I can’t. So I push forward into so much unknown it nearly makes me sick.

I wish I was excited by the unknown. I wish I could jump head first into it and be excited by it’s mystery. But I’m not. I like a solid ground to walk upon, I like to know what to expect next. Being rational isn’t exactly as sexy as being spontaneous, unfortunately.

I’ve tried to shift my perspective. That my bouts of depression aren’t a character flaw, but more so something that I occasionally have to go through. It just sucks because I can feel my self projecting my emotions onto those around me and I always worry that they don’t see it this way. They don’t see it as an opportunity to get closer to me by comforting me, but instead as a nuisance in their life, by being a dark cloud on their otherwise sunny day. I just don’t want to be the sad girl in anyones life. I don’t want to be the sad girl in my own life.

Kate

Drafts on Drafts

Hello Folks,

So I was in the middle of trying to write a blog post when I got about one paragraph in and clicked the “save draft” button and went to close the tab, when I saw that I had 18 drafts saved, eighteen! I started reading little snippets of them and it just transported me back to the time I was writing them, sometimes out of sadness or frustration, other times out of glee and hopefulness. I thought it was interesting to see how just in a few months all the different emotions I had been feeling and all the topics I was getting ready to discuss and for whatever reason chose to discard. Since I don’t think any of these posts will make it to my blog permanently, I thought I’d share the beginning of a few of the posts, just to give them some life before I delete them for good.


Shaking Things Up, 27/10/2015

Hello Folks,

So lately I’ve been feeling a little bit in a rut. Not in a frustrating or upsetting way, but just that my week days are beginning to all blend in to one and that my weekends are rushing by or being slept away.


Things That Make Me Happy, 21/11/2015

Hello Folks,

I find that in the hustle and bustle of every day life it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the things that are going wrong and we sometimes forget to notice the things that are going right.


Frustration and Lack of Direction, 28/11/2015

Hello Folks,

Do you ever just feel like everything is just doing exactly what you wish it hadn’t? Something as small and frustrating as every word you type into your phone coming up with a typo, to something as large and heart wrenching as finding out your relatives illness has returned?


Untitled, 01/29/2016

Hello Folks,

Almost a month of 2016 has gone by already. Where has the time gone? I updated my blog’s look a little bit! As a little New Year’s gift to myself I purchased a new logo from a graphic artist off Etsy and I’m absolutely in love with it!


Burning Steam, 11/02/216

Hello Folks,

I wanted to let out a bit of steam in this post so if you don’t want to read some passive aggressive blog post, close the tab now.


Chasing Adventure, 13/02/2016

Hello Folks,

Do you ever just want to drop everything you’re doing and get a job in the middle of no where and just start new? Today has been filled with those type of desires.


Time and Going Up and Down, 03/04/2016

Hello Folks,

So how amazing and awful can those Facebook “memories” things be? You get to see your ex’s wishing you a happy anniversary, but you also get to see old photos of yourself with horrible fringe.


Enjoying Summer in a City By Yourself, 08/04/2016

Hello Folks,

So my idea of a wonderful summer came crashing down on me Saturday evening when I found out that my last two friends who were staying in Ottawa for the summer, decided they were not.


Goals and Sticking To Them, 28/04/2016

Hello Folks,

I’m honestly not really sure what to write about anymore, because this blog, although still without much of a following, used to literally have no audience what so ever. I don’t have any documentable talents and I’ve personally always enjoyed finding out about the inner workings of other people’s lives…


Living For The Future, 02/05/2016

Hello Folks,

I have never been interested in being a 20 something and now that I’m here I’m even less interested.


It’s just so funny to see how things change and what was going through my mind all those days, and how funnily enough, I didn’t feel passionate enough about anything I was writing to even bother finishing the post or revisiting it until now. I hope you enjoyed a few of my would-be-posts from the cutting room floor, until next time…

Love always,
Kate

Little Life Update: Things Are Kind Of Dreary

Hello Folks,

I feel the need to apologize for how bland and depressing my posts have been lately, and this post isn’t going to be an exception to that. Life is sad so my posts are sad, I’m sorry. But in all honesty, my life is textbook amazing, I have a belly full of food, I have a roof over my head and my family is all safely tucked in their beds. I try to remind myself of these things when I’m feeling down on myself and thinking about how crummy everything has been lately. But I think that sadness is relative and it doesn’t matter how many people have it worse and no matter how mundane your own problems may seem, it doesn’t make them seize to exist.

I’m lucky enough to have left my last job on a really good note and I’ve decided it’s time to suck it up and go back to work. I haven’t tried nearly as hard as I’d like to say I have on finding a new job in my field, but with September approaching and looking for a new apartment, I need to be employed even if it’s at McDonald’s. I will continue my search for a job that is related to my field of study, but in the mean time I need to make money. I can’t tell you how big of a defeat this has felt like. I loved working there, and some times I honestly missed it and the people I worked with, but at the end of the day I’m still an almost-20-year-old who has paid money and worked hard to gain a certificate that will just hang on my wall until further notice. My heart sinks thinking about how I wasn’t good enough for any of the positions I applied for and it makes me wonder if I ever will be.

I think I’m the type of person that tries really hard to stay optimistic and to hope for the best but eventually I just can’t do it anymore and tears just start flowing through the cracks. Lately I’ve been trying really hard to find an apartment for Ryan and myself for this September. After multiple viewings and countless hours searching online I finally found the perfect apartment. It was in a beautiful building, in a nice neighbourhood, near my friends, and under our budget! I went for a viewing and honestly fell in love. I could just picture all our things in the drawers and our photos on the walls. I went in the next day to hand in our application and they said it would take 1-2 days to process and then they’d let us know if we’d been accepted or not. The long weekend unfortunately hit and it’s now been 5 days since I’ve heard back. I even sent an e-mail in regards to the status of our application and got no reply. It sounds crazy, but thinking about this apartment has kept me up at night. I’ve had countless dreams of receiving an e-mail that said we got accepted/declined for the apartment. At this point I wouldn’t even care if we did get declined, I’d just like to be given the peace of mind. It’s silly things like this that I have tried so hard to stay positive about, just blaming the long weekend for people not being in the office and for processes taking longer, but eventually you start to lose hope and I just break down crying and take a nap (my answer for everything).

I just thought that I’d finish school, go on my trip and then come back and and find a job within the next month. Instead I’m going back to McDonalds, I currently don’t have anywhere to live in less than a month and I’ve gotten sick of seeing my own face in the mirror. I hope that going back to work (even if it’s in fast food) will give me a bit of purpose back and motivate me to keep making little changes.

Sorry for being such a dark cloud. I honestly relate more and more to Eeyore everyday.

200_s

Love always,
Kate