moving on

Red Flags

I read an article about how virgo’s handle breakups yesterday, it said: “you look for some Greater Meaning in everything – methodically analyzing every move trying to learn from it. You vacillate between crying your eyes out or thanking your lucky stars the universe hath delivered you from this fuck boy. You continue to go through old message history looking for red flags after the fact, convinced if you could only find the turning point it would bring you some closure.”

So that’s what I decided to do. I scrolled back to the beginning, to January 27th, in hopes of gaining some closure, to finally find the answers to the questions I had been asking myself periodically since things ended.

Really, I think I just wanted to see what everyone else had told me, that he wasn’t as good as I thought for a long time. That the distance had started forming before I was able to see it myself, because I was so busy making excuses that I didn’t see what was happening right in front of me.

So I scrolled for what felt like forever and began to indulge myself in the history of our digital relationship. On February 12th he quoted a lyric from a jazz song he liked and it went “I fall in love, too easily. I fall in love, too fast. I fall in love, too terribly hard, for love to ever last”. I didn’t know it then, but that summed us up perfectly. We happened too fast and too terribly hard for anything to ever last.

I hadn’t even got to the part of our conversation where we were anything but friends before I was drained and frankly bored, so I decided to turn in for the night. I told myself I’d come back to it in the morning, finish my detective work then. But I woke up with a nasty swirling pit in my stomach and a general feeling of unease. I looked at our conversation and just felt utterly exhausted. Before embarrassingly accidentally sending something in our conversation, I finally took his advice. I deleted our conversation and I blocked him. And now we can both go on living like the other person doesn’t exist.

I was searching for some profound reason that all of this happened. That someone who I thought was so wonderful could have deceived me and how I allowed myself to be such an idiot and fall for it. The thing is, I could say that the reason all of this happened is to teach me to not be so vulnerable and naive. Or it could not even be about me. He mentioned how his views on marriage changed for the better through talking to me, so maybe the reason he came into my life had nothing to do with me – but more to do with how he’ll change for the next, or final girl in his life. Or maybe there is no reason at all.

Sometimes I think you need to let your heart reach it’s full capacity of hurting until it’s ever going to get better. Maybe it’s torture, I mean it’s certainly not healthy. Maybe it’s a virgo thing, or maybe it’s just a Kate thing. But that’s what I told myself when I started this scavenger hunt for the clues of how everything went sour. But somewhere between last night and this afternoon I realized I don’t need to know. Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, or maybe it was just us together.

I heard a quote on a television show once and it said: “You know, it’s funny; when you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags”.

So this is me. Taking off my rose-coloured glasses, ignoring the trail of firmly planted red flags behind me, and finally admitting that maybe neither of us did anything wrong, we just happened too fast, and too hard, for love to ever last.

Green Apple Candle

I mentioned once in a post that I don’t usually remember what loving someone felt like because my memory fades fast. I can’t often hold onto the emotion itself, so I rely on photos and videos and writing I’d done in the past to relive moments. I depend on replaying memories in hopes of remembering how I felt at that exact point in time.

I’m having a hard time right now, because I’m beginning to forget what “loving you” felt like. I have few photos of you and the ones I do hide your face. I have no video and I’m forgetting the sound of excitement in your voice when you told stories about your family, the ocean or your plans for the future.

On one hand, I’m relieved, because you came into my world like a storm: strong, loud, and impossible to ignore. You so quickly made your home in my heart but seemingly just as fast, you decided my love wasn’t for you, and much like a storm, you vanished as rapidly as you arrived.

You left me so utterly confused. I was retracing moments, conversations, trying to figure out exactly where you made the decision to leave me. In what moment you no longer thought of my authenticity as brilliance, but emotionally draining.

There was some point in time where our compatibility and your desire to be with me trumped the work it took to maintain a relationship with someone like me. But maybe that’s just it. I was willing to comfort your moody soul and you weren’t willing to nurture my sensitive one.

Where there were once memories of countless naps in your large embrace and the smell of your green apple candle endlessly burning, there is now the memory of receiving your message telling me you’ve chosen someone else, and seeing them get on the bus at your stop moments later. There is cold text conversations and general aversion.

If it weren’t for these cyber memories I apparently can’t let go of, I would doubt that anything between us ever existed at all. But each time I return to those memories, each time I re-read an old message from you, some distance forms. It feels less like something I experienced and more like a conversation that took place between two seemingly perfect strangers.

He sent her “sometimes I feel like meeting you was my reward for everything kind I’ve ever done. I keep falling harder and faster, enjoying you more and more and you’re already so far off the scales. God bless everything that created you blank. I’m so happy to be sharing my life with you.” And she read the message and felt nothing. The butterflies asleep in her stomach, her heart maintaining a steady beat, the ducts of her eyes completely empty. And she thought: “this is what moving on feels like”.