love

Red Flags

I read an article about how virgo’s handle breakups yesterday, it said: “you look for some Greater Meaning in everything – methodically analyzing every move trying to learn from it. You vacillate between crying your eyes out or thanking your lucky stars the universe hath delivered you from this fuck boy. You continue to go through old message history looking for red flags after the fact, convinced if you could only find the turning point it would bring you some closure.”

So that’s what I decided to do. I scrolled back to the beginning, to January 27th, in hopes of gaining some closure, to finally find the answers to the questions I had been asking myself periodically since things ended.

Really, I think I just wanted to see what everyone else had told me, that he wasn’t as good as I thought for a long time. That the distance had started forming before I was able to see it myself, because I was so busy making excuses that I didn’t see what was happening right in front of me.

So I scrolled for what felt like forever and began to indulge myself in the history of our digital relationship. On February 12th he quoted a lyric from a jazz song he liked and it went “I fall in love, too easily. I fall in love, too fast. I fall in love, too terribly hard, for love to ever last”. I didn’t know it then, but that summed us up perfectly. We happened too fast and too terribly hard for anything to ever last.

I hadn’t even got to the part of our conversation where we were anything but friends before I was drained and frankly bored, so I decided to turn in for the night. I told myself I’d come back to it in the morning, finish my detective work then. But I woke up with a nasty swirling pit in my stomach and a general feeling of unease. I looked at our conversation and just felt utterly exhausted. Before embarrassingly accidentally sending something in our conversation, I finally took his advice. I deleted our conversation and I blocked him. And now we can both go on living like the other person doesn’t exist.

I was searching for some profound reason that all of this happened. That someone who I thought was so wonderful could have deceived me and how I allowed myself to be such an idiot and fall for it. The thing is, I could say that the reason all of this happened is to teach me to not be so vulnerable and naive. Or it could not even be about me. He mentioned how his views on marriage changed for the better through talking to me, so maybe the reason he came into my life had nothing to do with me – but more to do with how he’ll change for the next, or final girl in his life. Or maybe there is no reason at all.

Sometimes I think you need to let your heart reach it’s full capacity of hurting until it’s ever going to get better. Maybe it’s torture, I mean it’s certainly not healthy. Maybe it’s a virgo thing, or maybe it’s just a Kate thing. But that’s what I told myself when I started this scavenger hunt for the clues of how everything went sour. But somewhere between last night and this afternoon I realized I don’t need to know. Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, or maybe it was just us together.

I heard a quote on a television show once and it said: “You know, it’s funny; when you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags”.

So this is me. Taking off my rose-coloured glasses, ignoring the trail of firmly planted red flags behind me, and finally admitting that maybe neither of us did anything wrong, we just happened too fast, and too hard, for love to ever last.

Green Apple Candle

I mentioned once in a post that I don’t usually remember what loving someone felt like because my memory fades fast. I can’t often hold onto the emotion itself, so I rely on photos and videos and writing I’d done in the past to relive moments. I depend on replaying memories in hopes of remembering how I felt at that exact point in time.

I’m having a hard time right now, because I’m beginning to forget what “loving you” felt like. I have few photos of you and the ones I do hide your face. I have no video and I’m forgetting the sound of excitement in your voice when you told stories about your family, the ocean or your plans for the future.

On one hand, I’m relieved, because you came into my world like a storm: strong, loud, and impossible to ignore. You so quickly made your home in my heart but seemingly just as fast, you decided my love wasn’t for you, and much like a storm, you vanished as rapidly as you arrived.

You left me so utterly confused. I was retracing moments, conversations, trying to figure out exactly where you made the decision to leave me. In what moment you no longer thought of my authenticity as brilliance, but emotionally draining.

There was some point in time where our compatibility and your desire to be with me trumped the work it took to maintain a relationship with someone like me. But maybe that’s just it. I was willing to comfort your moody soul and you weren’t willing to nurture my sensitive one.

Where there were once memories of countless naps in your large embrace and the smell of your green apple candle endlessly burning, there is now the memory of receiving your message telling me you’ve chosen someone else, and seeing them get on the bus at your stop moments later. There is cold text conversations and general aversion.

If it weren’t for these cyber memories I apparently can’t let go of, I would doubt that anything between us ever existed at all. But each time I return to those memories, each time I re-read an old message from you, some distance forms. It feels less like something I experienced and more like a conversation that took place between two seemingly perfect strangers.

He sent her “sometimes I feel like meeting you was my reward for everything kind I’ve ever done. I keep falling harder and faster, enjoying you more and more and you’re already so far off the scales. God bless everything that created you blank. I’m so happy to be sharing my life with you.” And she read the message and felt nothing. The butterflies asleep in her stomach, her heart maintaining a steady beat, the ducts of her eyes completely empty. And she thought: “this is what moving on feels like”.

One of the Sweetest Things I’ve Ever Received

i’m filled with hate
that i can’t hold in
yet there you are
ready to listen

i’ve been a fool
for a better part of my life
and here you are
trying to open my eyes

who needs to be sad
with so many fortunes right here
there’s no reason not to be happy
in this world of fear

life’s what you make it
or so i’ve been told
so make it the best
before we grow old

the future is far enough
so don’t think too hard
the fun we have now
will lay down the cards

you can’t pick and choose
the things life throws
so catch them
and use them
with experience we grow

thank you for this
what was once blurry is clear
i’m not sure how happy i’d be
if you weren’t here

for a pessimist
i’m looking pretty optimistic right now
it’s actually quite hard
to find my old frown

they can try to rain on this parade
but it’s been raining all along
it’s ok I brought my umbrella
i call it kate armstrong

r.b.

Home Sweet Home

Hello Folks,

Two weeks ago I returned to my home town for the first time in six months. I can’t explain how nice it feels to come back. When I was growing up I despised my tiny little home town in the middle of no where. I hated how everyone knew each other and how closed minded the general population seemed to be. My mum always spoke so highly of our little city and told me I’d miss it once I left and I never thought she’d be right (she is always right). I still don’t think I’d ever settle down here, but I can now appreciate why so many people do return to start a family, etc. Our community has dealt with so many heart aches, but from that we have accomplished so much. This past weekend was The Bikers Reunion, which consists of the main two streets in our town being shut down and filled with chip trucks, bouncy things for the kids, and stands from all the local shops. The fair ground near by is transformed into an area for daring performances, motorcycle equipment for sale, a massive beer tent and of course more food. The weekend is held to raise money for the cancer society. At the end of the weekend there is a Freedom Ride which consists of hundreds of motorcycles riding in memory of someone or just to support the cause, it’s truly something amazing to see. In our tiny community it’s hard to find someone that hasn’t been effected by cancer. Two years ago my mum lost her boyfriend (who was also a biker) to cancer. Ever since I think this event has meant a lot more to me. If you want to learn more about the event you can visit their website: http://www.bikersreunion.ca My two weeks home was filled with time catching up with family and friends, working at my mums shop Armstrong on Whitewood* and going to a lovely conjoint first birthday party for two little cuties. I’m sad to be leaving already but I’ll no doubt be visiting again before the summer is up. Here’s a few photos to sum up my week at home.


Bernece and I


Visiting Grandma


Babies first birthday

pic 8
Momma and I


Freedom Ride ft. Momma


Fireworks view from the driveway

Love always,
Kate

*Armstrong on Whitewood Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/ArmstrongOnWhitewood?fref=ts

Dear Future Husband: Some Things I Need You To Know

Hello Love,

I don’t know you yet, or perhaps I do. Maybe we’ve passed each other on the streets, or quickly exchanges glances on the bus. I feel like if I already met you I would know, you know?

I honestly can’t wait to meet you. I hope we have some typical rom-com meeting, like in a coffee shop, or on a blind date. Maybe not a blind date, I hear those don’t usually work out in real life. It’s funny to know that you’re out there, somewhere, living your life completely oblivious to the fact that one day we’ll be married. Maybe you’re dating someone right now, or maybe you’re going through a break-up and all you’re thinking is “fuck love, I’m never doing this again”, but you will, you’ll do it again with me. I hope for your sake that you’re happy and doing well.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself and enjoying life. If you’re in school, I hope that your classes are stimulating and that you’re on your way to a career that one day I’ll hear you ramble on about over and over. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for that. I can’t wait to hear you passionately speak about the beautiful crown moulding you installed in a new house, or the code you finally figured out.

I already know how I’ll know you’re “the one”. I have this terrible habit, and if you married to me then I’m sure you’ve figured it out. I ask a lot of questions, endless questions really. I will constantly want to know what’s on your mind, what you did that day, how you’re feeling, what you think about the weather and so many more questions that it may surprise you how I’m actually able to preform daily activities with so much going on in my noggin. But you’re different from everyone else I’ve dated. You answer the questions. You tell me in length about how you were thinking about how the sun comes through our bedroom window at 4pm and how you can see the dust dancing in the sunlight. You’ll tell me everything you ate that day because you know I genuinely care. And if I’m lucky, maybe you’ll return some of the questions, and care about my answers too.

I know I won’t make a lot of money, and I’m ok if you don’t either. I’m currently in school for Event Management, and I really love it. I’m sure you’ll hear me talk about it a lot, especially how I’m an “Event Coordinator” and not a “party planner”, and how it ticks me off when people get it wrong haha.

Some days I get so eager to meet you. I just wish you could stumble into my life and sweep me off my feet. But I have to keep reminding myself that good things are worth waiting for and that there’s a reason I haven’t met you yet. I don’t really believe in a God that has a plan for me or anything like that, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe right now we’re not at the place in our lives where we’d be compatible if we met. Maybe I’m not happy enough with myself yet, and maybe you just got fired and you’re focusing on your career right now. Whatever it may be, I think there’s a reason we haven’t been acquainted yet.

This is getting long, but I guess if we’re married you also know I never shut up. I’ll just finish by saying that I wish you well until the day we finally meet. I hope your life is full of delicious meals, good music and lovely sleeps. I look forward to experiencing so many things with you by my side.

I love you.

Sincerely,

Your wife, Kate xx

Passenger Concert

Hello Folks,

So yesterday I had the absolute pleasure of seeing one of my favourite individual artists of all time, Mike Rosenberg. Or how he’s more commonly known, Passenger. My best friend and I took the greyhound bus early Friday morning to Montreal to wait in-line all day in hopes of getting front row. We got there around 11am and made camp on the side walk, playing cards to pass the time. Shortly after I kicked Madie’s butt in a few games of Speed, I hear Madie casually say “Stu!”, and I turn to see Stu Larsen, the opener for Passenger just walking pass the line. He chatted up Madie for a little bit before she snagged a quick photo with him and he continued on his way down the sidewalk.

The doors opened at 6:30pm and the show started at 7pm. We were about 8th in line and managed to snag second row right in the centre. Two girls (one with crutches) were using her crutches to save the spots right in the front, but we didn’t mind as second row seemed pretty rad to us. A few minutes after getting in though, a security guard took away the girls crutches and told her she can’t save spots like that, and told Madie and I to move up! So we ended up getting to be front row centre for the concert! I can honestly say that it made the experience that much more memorable for us.

The concert itself was just amazing. Mike is so lovely with crowds. His performance doesn’t involve a band, or any crazy stunts, just a talented man, his guitar and some stomping. The crowd was perfectly quiet during the proper songs and singing along in the others. It was honestly such a magical experience to be apart of such a wonderful crowd. This may have just been in my head, but I swear Mike smiled at us a couple of times during the performance, and each time my heart would completely melt. His sense of humour throughout the whole concert with the audience was hilarious and captivating, and I left the concert completely in love.

After the concert, Madison and I decided to go around back and wait by the artist entrance in hopes of catching a glimpse of him and getting a picture if we were lucky. There was around 50 people or more there when we first arrived and we were near the end of the line, but shortly after we arrived a girl who butted us earlier in the line-up came up and grabbed us, apologized for butting earlier and let us come up near the front with her. It’s true that what goes around comes around! She also expressed how jealous she was that Mike had smiled to us numerous times throughout the performance (I guess it wasn’t only in my head)!

It started raining a little and it was getting late and chilly and many of the fans waiting ended up leaving. After around an hour and a half Mike finally came out and there was only about 25-30 girls left. He took photos, hugged, and signed everyone’s things.

It was honestly the best day of my life and I can already feel the post-concert depression sinking in. I hope to see Mike perform many times in the future, as well as Stu. Here are some photos from the event:

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Madie and Stu before the show

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Mike performing

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Madie and Mike

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Mike and I

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“Me: *blushing* Can I kiss you on the cheek for the photo?
Mike: *laughs* yes of course.”

Love always,
Kate