Sometimes I hate my intro, but I think I’ve grown too accustomed to starting all posts like that so I feel obligated to. It does help me from having to think of a creative way to dive into a post. If I didn’t have it I think all my posts would start with some nonsensical rambling like this. Sigh. Anyways.
I think my years worth of posts have made it quite evident that depression is something I have experienced, in waves, throughout my life time. I’ve never been able to pin-point what brings it on, or when it started and I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to come closer to a conclusion.
I know that a staggering amount of women experience depression and suicidal thoughts as a result of the birth control pill, and having started the pill when I was about 15, similarly around the time I started feeling these bouts of depression, I thought that maybe that could have been it. I discontinued the use of my birth control in the summer, and instantly I noticed my mood swings go away. I thought my depression had gone away too, until recently.
Sometimes I think it may be from an overbearing amount of emotional stimulation. I tend to feel everything arguably too deeply. Having recently gone through a break up from my boyfriend of almost 4 years, it was safe to say I was really sad. We lived together, technically still live together, and seeing each other so often can obviously be hard. It’s difficult to be sad about something ending, happy you’re still friends, but confused on what seeing them every day means.
I think my whole life I’ve always analyzed everything, every interaction, every thought, every possible outcome of a situation and obviously this can become very draining. On top of the emotional rollercoaster I consider myself to be on, I think it’s just become too much.
It’s just scary to think because I wanted to blame birth control. I didn’t want to be a sad person, I just wanted to be a person who had sad thoughts because they were on this pill that had those results as a side effect. It’s a little over whelming in itself to come to that conclusion. That something inside of your brain is wired in a way that just makes you feel sad. That makes you want to push the people you love away from you. It’s like turning over in bed at night and wishing so badly the other person would grab you back, even though you were the one to turn over in the first place.
I try to remind myself everything that is going really well. I repeat to myself the things that are making me happy. The changes in my life that I’m amidst of. The things I’m doing right now that will pay off in the future. But it can be so friggen difficult. It’s hard to know if you’re ever doing the right thing, if being in school again is even worth it. What if I fail my classes? What if I’m not smart enough? What if I don’t get into midwifery? I can’t go back to working full-time at a brain-numbing job. I can’t. So I push forward into so much unknown it nearly makes me sick.
I wish I was excited by the unknown. I wish I could jump head first into it and be excited by it’s mystery. But I’m not. I like a solid ground to walk upon, I like to know what to expect next. Being rational isn’t exactly as sexy as being spontaneous, unfortunately.
I’ve tried to shift my perspective. That my bouts of depression aren’t a character flaw, but more so something that I occasionally have to go through. It just sucks because I can feel my self projecting my emotions onto those around me and I always worry that they don’t see it this way. They don’t see it as an opportunity to get closer to me by comforting me, but instead as a nuisance in their life, by being a dark cloud on their otherwise sunny day. I just don’t want to be the sad girl in anyones life. I don’t want to be the sad girl in my own life.