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Little Life Update: Self Reflection

Hey,

I’ve been doing a ton of self reflection lately and I found this neat list of 50 questions to ask someone if you’d really like to get to know them, so I thought, hey, why not just answer them myself because I’m vain and I’ve had quite a few new followers lately so this can be their chance to get to know me a little bit as well. So without further a due.


1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

I’ve had a really rocky relationship with one of my parents since I was a teen and I was put through a lot of really unfortunate situations as a result that were far beyond my years. I think it allowed me to mature quicker, but also realize that just because people are blood,  it doesn’t mean they’re allowed to hurt you.

2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I think the toughest situations I’ve been in have only given me an excuse to better myself, so nothing really comes to mind.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

My bed, in a baggy t-shirt, with my kitty cuddled up next to me. Which is exactly what’s going on right now haha.

4. Where is your favourite place to escape to?

My home town. Which I think is kind of the opposite of how most people feel. Going home to me is always like a little holiday. I can ignore my phone, I have no where to be, I don’t have to go to school. I can just enjoy time with family and friends and be as off the grid as I’d like.

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?

This may be a cheap answer, but my whole family has done such an incredible job of influencing me in the best ways. I’ve been so fortunate to grow up with a small army of powerful women. I’ve learnt to value strength and independence over lust and co-dependency and I think that’s so important.

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

I would really like to be more independent. It almost feels silly to say because I live alone and I function so much on a daily basis by myself. But I find I rely on the confirmation of others while making decisions and I think having more trust in myself would be a good thing. It’s something I’m working on.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

I would write letters to everyone that I love, eat some pho and play with my cat. That would be my whole day.

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

One that hasn’t happened yet. I guess if I had to choose, the 80’s. I like their music and films. Young John Cusack, hello.

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

My sister, hands down. I think mainly because we are so similar, but she’s stronger than me in so many ways. She brings out the best parts of me and spending time with her is just like spending time with a real-life version of my subconscious, in the way that I feel no sense of judgement or expectations. I’m just fully my unfiltered self and I think that’s really neat.

10. Who is the one person in the world that knows you best?

Sydney. Arguably she knows me too well hahahah. I have to start so many messages to her with “this is super nasty but…”. She’s my soul mate best friend and I trust her with my life.

11. What is your favourite quality about your best friend?

That she’s wonderfully outspoken. She speaks about what she believes in and doesn’t allow anyone to walk all over her. I really admire her passion and dedication towards the issues that are important to her.

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

A mum.

13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?

Tina Belcher, hands down. She’s the perfect mix of confident, awkward and down right strange. And she likes butts and zombies so we’re essentially the same person.

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14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?

I enjoy compliments from like a significant other type-of-person because I feel like I depend on affirmation haha. But it makes me really awkward to receive compliments from people I’m not close with.

15. Is your favourite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?

Non-physical.

16. What is your favourite physical attribute about yourself?

My forearms. They’re covered in the cutest little freckles and I just love it.

17. What is your favourite non-physical attribute about yourself?

I’m very introspective and I think it’s allowed me to be a better friend, family member, girlfriend, etc.

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Of course.

19. Do you believe in soul mates?

A little bit less so lately, but ultimately, yes.

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?

Far too seriously. My ex used to always make fun of me because I believe in magic and mermaids and all that stuff, and one time I read my horoscope on the bus and it said that my plans were going to get cancelled and I was bummed because I had plans to see a flick with two of my friends. So I ended up making it to the movies and we had just gotten our food and I told my friend how my horoscope said my plans would get cancelled so I was happy neither of them called to bail and we laughed, and we sit down in the theatre and I kid you not we just finished getting comfortable and the fire alarms went off in the building and we had to evacuate. So, I take them pretty seriously.

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?

I think I’ve experienced love-like feelings 3 times. But my memories fade fast sadly, and so after I haven’t been dating someone for a while it’s hard for me to say if it really was love, because I so quickly forget how my feelings towards that person felt.

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?

Their mind. That’s super general, but I think I fall in love with people’s passions, the things they get excited to talk about, the parts of themselves they are the most proud of.

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?

I think vulnerability is just being honest. Providing someone with an unfiltered version of yourself. As soon as someone starts talking about their relationship with their parents I get weepy and that’s probably the quickest path to making me vulnerable.

24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?

I don’t really think I’m scared per se, but I would like to ask men in general why the fuck they suck so much. Honestly, I’m horrendously disappointed in the male species. I think I’ve come off as an angry feminist a lot in this post, it’s actually just because my love-life sucks and I’m bitter haha.

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you would do?

I’d apologize to my mother, for having grown me inside of her for 10 months, only for me to exit her womb with more rights than her.

26. What do you find most attractive about each sex?

I like men’s shoulders. There’s something about freckled shoulders that make me just want to snuggle up to them and smother them with kisses. I feel like that’s a super odd thing to say, but it’s a bit of a weakness of mine.

I find women’s eyes really intriguing. I think because women tend to wear make up more and can accentuate their eyes as well.

27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?

I’d love to learn more about nutrition. Mainly because I honestly think I’m malnourished. I have such a horrid diet it’s actually awful. I’m a vegetarian but an absolute shit one. Sometimes I think I should start eating meat again but then I remember the only meat I really liked purchasing was beef jerky and hot dogs so then I decide not to. But ya, I’d really like to learn more about nutrition, having a balanced diet, etc.

28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to?

I’ve always wanted to drive a motorcycle.

29. Why haven’t you done it?

Well I don’t have my motorcycle license. But! I think I may get it in the spring! So it’s a work in progress.

30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?

A midwife. Which is what I’m on my path to now. So we’ll see.

31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?

Well, I only worked til 6pm today and I spent the rest of my evening blogging and watching youtube videos, so probably something similar to that.

32. What was the last thing to make you cry?

It makes me angry that I even have to say this, but it was a boy. I was re-reading past messages I had received from him like a sad melodramatic teen in a rom-com and I had myself a little cry. But then I wiped my tears and told myself that he’s a sociopath and I moved on with my life.

33. What was the last thing to make you laugh?

Oh my god. This thing on twitter.

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34. What is your favourite memory?

I don’t think it’s happened yet.

35. What’s the last thing that really embarrassed you?

Honestly, probably something that happened the last time I was drunk. I can’t tell you exactly what it was, but I know that’s when I tend to embarrass myself. I’m a very touchy, honest drunk and I know I get myself in some predicaments. So probably sometime then.

36. What is your biggest fear?

That I am infertile. I know it seems like a silly thing, but I’ve dreamt of being a mother for so long, it would absolutely crush me.

37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?

I have three regrets in my life time.

The first, is that when I was at the Eiffel Tower in Paris, a boy approached me and I swear to you he was a vision sent by the universe straight from my subconscious. He was my dream boy. He smiled at me and I genuinely looked behind me to see if there was anyone there because he was far too put together and handsome to be looking my way. He ended up approaching me and chatting for a while and I never got his name and I’ve regretted it ever since.

Secondly, is that I didn’t allow my mum and her late partner to have more time together. I was an incredibly selfish pre-teen and I think because my dad was quite neglectful I didn’t want my mother’s time to be on other people as well. I know I gave her a hard time over how much time she spent with him, but looking back, I wish I would have encouraged her to enjoy herself more. It’s nothing I can take back, but if I could, I would.

Thirdly, is that I filled myself with so much destructive self-hatred in my teen years, that honestly up until recently had really effected my self-esteem. I was a super confident youngster, but like I said, I greatly depend on the opinion of others and when people in high school made fun of my boobs and things like that, it made me incredibly self-conscious. I just wish I could go back in time and shake myself and say “Katie, you are perfect just the way you are, don’t listen to anyone.”

38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t, what is one law you’d love to break?

I mean, I j-walk every day.

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

I went bungee jumping once, that was fun. I also backpacked by myself for 5 weeks in Europe. It’s a fairly safe place to go I think but some people questioned my decision.

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?

Ya of course, I literally talk to strangers all the time. (Sorry mum, clearly I didn’t learn the most basic rules from childhood – although the public chatter gene does seem to be hereditary).

41. Would you tell a stranger that have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress is tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)?

I mean, of course. Just last week I was on the bus and this man’s fly was down and really open, but I think he thought I was checking him out and he gave me a weird look so I just thought to myself “fine, let the jerk walk around with his fly down”. But if he hadn’t given me the low brow, I would have told him to spare him any further embarrassment.

42. What’s your favourite joke?

Oh gosh, I don’t really think I have one.

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?

If my instagram is any indication, I’m a cat person. I talk about and photograph my cat Posie far, far too much.

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

A cat I think. Just because you literally spend your whole day napping, you don’t give a shit about anyone and you still have the whole internet going crazy over your kind. It’s sort of magical if you think about it.

45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

I really enjoy adult cartoons. My favourites are Rick & Morty, Bob’s Burgers, Bo Jack Horseman, Young Justice and South Park. I usually don’t tell people.

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?

That’s a good question. Selfish-af? Not really problematic? I think generally ok haha.

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would that be?

I would go back to when I was 14 years old. I would hug my poppa, Doc, and my grandma. Basically just soak up time with all my favourite people who were taken from me too soon. I would tell them all I love them and create more memories with them then I have now.

I would also tell myself to learn to love myself before letting anyone else love me. I think that’s important too.

48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?

Equality. This was just meant to be a sassy answer, but I’m also not really joking, yikes.

49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?

I don’t really know if I’m capable of a unique thought. There isn’t anything about me that is inherently unique.

50. What’s one thing you feel your life is missing?

Family. I have no family in the city I’m living in and I honestly miss it constantly. I also can’t wait to have a family of my own. I yearn for family in many different ways haha.


I hope you enjoyed these 50 questions/answers. I know some of my answers are probably a little bizarre, but I started this post at 8:30pm and it is now 1:50am so my answers have gotten a little bit more obscure the further I dived into the dark hole that is youtube. I watched a lot of Graham Norton clips. I hope you all had a lovely weekend, until next time…

Love always,
Kate

The Liebster Award

Hello Folks,

While search through statistics on my blog, I had noticed that a few of the views on my account came from a different blog. I decided to check out why people were coming from their blog to mine and I realized they mentioned me in a post! The lovely Lynn from Sweater Giraffe Travels nominated me for the Liebster Award, so I thought I’d continue on the post.

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The rules of the Liebster Award are as follows:
1) Thank the blogger who nominated you and link to their blog.
2) Display the award graphic on your blog.
3) Answer the eleven questions asked by the blogger who nominated you.
4) Nominate five to eleven bloggers and post eleven questions for your nominees.
5)  Publish the full post on your blog.
6) And finally, notify your nominees by posting on their blog.


Lynn’s Questions

1) What’s the best thing you’ve eaten abroad?

Ok, Madie may remember because I feel like I bring up this dish a lot. But we were at this random restaurant in China, I don’t even remember the city. We were at these massive round tables with giant lazy-susans in the middle that had a bunch of different dishes on them. This one dish was tofu cut into little squares, and they were super soft and squishy. They were kind of spicy? And I just remember thinking it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever eaten. I love tofu now (I’m a vegetarian now and I wasn’t at the time), so I feel like it was kind of my introduction to good tofu haha.

2) What’s your go-to for travel inspiration?

I love looking at fellow bloggers for travel inspiration. A few of my favourites on instagram are: @helloemilie, @gypsea_lust, @doyoutravel, @amberfillerup

3) The most interesting person you’ve met while traveling?

When I was traveling alone in Europe, I frequently ate alone. I was at the Elephant House cafe in Edinburg, Scotland eating at this sad large circular table where the wait staff were putting all the lone travellers. The man across from me looked about in his 50’s-60’s and was writing in a book with papers scattered all around him. I was eating soup and avoiding my water that had dirt flakes in it (I assumed they did this on purpose because a lot of Europe does not like serving you water) and writing in my travel journal. The man complimented my journal and the fact that I was documenting my travels in that way. We ended up talking for the rest of the meal. He was a Scottish man, living in Boston, USA and was back for the 20 year reunion of his University in Edinburgh. He was apart of a Scottish folk band in Boston and I kept thinking he looked like Uncle Monty from A Series of Unfortunate Events the movie. I learnt that he was never married and had no children. He ended up offering me dessert and at the end of the meal paid for my entire tab. Oh, and part way through he noticed my aversion to my water and when I told him shyly about the dirt flakes he looked at it and winced, and ordered “two clean waters” the next time the wait staff came. They may have looked down on a 20-year-old girl with messy hair and mismatched clothes, but they respected a posh man with grey hair and I ended up getting the clean water.

Note: Billy Connolly, the actor from Series of Unfortunate Events also moved to Boston and joined a Scottish Folk band, just saying.

4) Your favourite cheesy road trip sing-along song?

I can’t say I really have a specific “cheesy” road trip. My favourite artist to listen to on the road is Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Some favourites of theirs are “40 Day Dream”, “Janglin”, “”Man on Fire”and “Home”. They’re just a fun band to belt out to and let yourself get lost in.

5) When you started blogging, what were your goals?

I don’t think I really had any haha. I just started blogging as a way to get my thoughts out, kind of like an online diary. I didn’t ever think anyone would read it. I just had fun putting it together and writing little posts.

6) How have those goals changed over time?

I’ve definitely written posts that are less about me and maybe things that apply more to others. A lot of my posts are still very (*cough* egotistic *cough*) much about my life, but  I have definitely branched out what I choose to write about. I guess my goals have just changed from being a diary to something people can relate to more.

7) What’s your favourite way to blog? [Videos, written, photojournal, etc.]

I’d say just written. My blog posts are normally equivalent to word vomit haha. When I’m specifically blogging about traveling I like to include photos, as a big part of traveling for me is capturing moments.

8) What’s one time you’ve gone off the beaten path?

While in Switzerland I let myself get lost a lot. Whether it was in my own town or while I was visiting others. I’d just wander through the streets, down back alleys and into the furthest corners of the city. I never really had a plan of where I was going, I’d just start walking and stop when I found something worth stopping for. I think I’ve carried over this perspective into a lot of my future travels, the idea of getting lost.

9) What’s the next place you plan on traveling to?

I think I’d really like to go to India, or maybe back pack a load in South America. Both are pretty big trips in comparison to anything I’ve done before so it would take a lot more preparation, so we’ll see!

10) What’s the first trip you remember taking?

I travelled quite a bit with my parents when I was little. The first trip I actually remember taking was to Mexico with my family when I was about 14 (?) not sure if that is the actual age.

11) Do you have any secret budget travel tips to share with the world?

Literally none at all. The reason I probably don’t travel more is how horrible I am at finances and budgeting haha. In high school all the spare change, birthday money, etc. went to travelling. I went to China and Switzerland while in highschool, which were both pretty expensive trips for a 16-year-old’s income haha. But basically, my motto is just spend all your money on traveling to the point of bankruptcy (probably not the best advice).


Nominated: I don’t know any one who may particularly like to do this, but if you want to do it, post this to your blog and say that I nominated you hah!

Love always,
Kate

Little Life Update: Diagnostics And Kijiji

Hello Folks,

A little old fashioned life update here. I’m feeling like myself again lately (aka. not a cranky miserable piece of soggy toast). This is possibly going to be the cheesiest thing I’ve ever written on my blog so brace yourselves, but I think I found my calling.

Ok, so maybe that’s a tad bit dramatic and way too soon to tell, but I’ve been reconsidering going back to school lately and have really been looking into the health field. I considered nursing, and although it was my best idea I had come up with in a while, it still didn’t quite feel right. I had discussed this idea with my friend Chloe who told me aside from being a mother, she always pictured me as a nurse. I was at her house the other day when mid conversation I rudely blurted out “Do you have to do nursing to become a midwife?”, to which me told me that she didn’t think so, but that the course is extremely competitive.

The next day I spent hours researching the program, the prerequisites, the universities that offer the program, the application process, the acceptance rate, etc. I just wanted to know everything I could. Here is what I found: only three universities in Ontario offer the program, you can only apply to one per year or your application is disqualified, 75 people per university are called for interviews and of those only 30 are accepted for each university.

So it’s safe to say it will be a lot harder to get in than anything I’ve ever applied to before. And don’t worry – I’m prepared for this to be a long process which may take years to be accepted. Luckily all my university and college marks exceed their set minimum average, and I have (almost all) the high school requirements… except one. Stinking grade 12 biology… so guess who’s going back to high school?! This gal! Ok maybe that’s a slight over exaggeration. I am in the process of registering for grade 12 biology though! Luckily they have an online option, so I can do it from home and relatively at my own schedule.

I can genuinely say I have not been this excited about anything for a while. It just feels like a wonderful refreshing new start. On the topic of new starts, I’ve begun selling all my furniture on kijiji again. I swear I have an addiction. I sold my book shelf yesterday and am in the process of selling my dining room table. If only I could sell my hideous green leather couch and matching lazy boy… might take a lot more convincing from Ryan before I can finally kick those ugly 70’s pieces to the curb haha.

For now, this gal is feeling a lot better. My moods go up and down, but this last week has been the longest I’ve consecutively felt happy in a while. It may also have to do with this horrible nightmare I had at the end of last week where a ghost told me to stop wanting to die or someone else would take over my body? Yikes! I really would like my own personal dream analyst sometimes…

For now, I have my little kitty sleeping beside me with her precious squished face, I have Tim Hortons smiley face cookies I’m about to enjoy, and my lovely boyfriend got an unexpected long stay at home, so I’m beyond happy.

Love always,
Kate

Dear High School Kate: What I Know Now

Hello Kate,

Or I guess I should call you Katie, because that’s what you’re going by right now. This is you, at 20 years old. I wanted to share some “words of wisdom”, that I’ve gained in my 3 years since leaving home.

I know that you think New Liskeard sucks, but please try and appreciate the good that is under all that absolute crap. I know that your friends like to binge drink and flirt with your ex’s, I know that it will be hard to separate yourself from that, but once you do you’ll be left with two of the best friends that you have, and they’ll still be in your life today. But don’t forget to appreciate those other friends while you can. They’ve held you while you cried and made you laugh until you couldn’t breath. You have differences, but don’t forget to appreciate all your similarities while you can.

I know that sometimes it feels like you can’t relate to anyone in that town, but there are countless people who are in the exact same position as you. Waiting to get out to move to bigger cities and meet more open minded people. You’ll do it eventually. You’ll meet some of the most amazing people in your first year of Uni. They’ll be the type of friends you wanted all of high school. They play in a band, they try hard in school, they know how to have fun without puking at the end of the night. It’s a literal dream come true, hold out for that because you have so many good times coming.

Cherish the time you have with your family. You will never be a two minute walk from your grandma’s again, or a two second walk to your sisters bedroom. You won’t be able to sit down and eat with your family whenever you want, or lounge around with them watching tv. These daily activities you take for granted will be the things you miss the most when you’re off living on your own. I know you’re getting older, and sometimes you think your family doesn’t understand you, but I promise you they understand more than you give them credit for. You will go through so much shit in the next couple years, and they will be there for you more than anyone else. Laugh with your sister as much and as often as you can, because in your first year of Uni you’ll feel like something is missing inside, and it will take you a while, but it was laughter, the laughter you used to share with your sister every day when getting ready for school, or while hanging out together at night.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself. I cannot emphasize this enough. I know you’re sleeping on average 4-5 hours a night, going to school for 7 hours and working 4. Change this! Nothing is as important as sleep. Turn off your phone, shut your laptop, say good night to who ever you’re talking to, and GO TO SLEEP. School will not be as painful, work will go by quicker, your general attitude will be better. Please, just go to fucking sleep.

On the topic of help… there is NO shame in getting help. This is something you will struggle with to this day. Yes, you are most likely depressed, and that’s ok. Googling the symptoms of depression and trying to diagnose yourself isn’t enough. Crying every day isn’t normal. Your mum isn’t ignoring your crying, she just doesn’t know what to do. Talk to some one! Your school has a counsellor, there are help lines, your aunt is a mental health worker – just reach out. You are not crazy, you are not broken, you are not over reacting, you are not just emotional – you are perfectly normal, you’re just clinically sad and there are ways to feel better again. Time doesn’t have to be your only medicine.

Stay young little girl. I know that right now you’re going through so much shit that you don’t deserve to be going through. But at 20 years old, you feel 35, and I know that at 16 you are feeling so much older than you are already. I know that you’re being forced to deal with issues far beyond your years but are not yet old enough or mature enough to know how to properly deal with them. Here is my best advice: there is no shame in cutting people out of your life that don’t deserve to be there. Even if they’re blood. Actually, especially if they’re blood. You know who I’m talking about. They aren’t in your life now, they haven’t been for months. I know that at 16 you think they’re just going through something and that it’s something you can fix, but it’s not. They’re a grown up and you’re a child and none of this is your fault or your problem to fix. Your biggest worries should be school and how you’re going to spend your weekend, that’s it.

Before I go, here are my last few pieces of advice: save some money, hug your family more often, consider college, smile whenever possible, listen to more music, drive more carefully, get an iPhone instead of a blackberry, start exercising now, don’t give up soccer, take science classes, you don’t need to lose weight, love yourself endlessly – being confident isn’t cocky, start writing down your thoughts, bottle up your laughter, take more photos, be proud of the things you’re good at, STOP OVER THINKING EVERYTHING.

I promise that everything will be ok even when it feels like things couldn’t possibly turn around. When you feel like you can’t possibly make it through the day, remember that your track record for getting through a bad day is 100%, and that’s pretty damn good.

Love always,
20-year-old Kate (Katie)

 

What I’ve Learnt From Working Out (So Far)

Hello Folks,

So this marks the close of week 3 of BBG 0.1. I’ve been working out close to every day for three weeks after pretty much never working out a day in my life. I’ve never really felt the need to exercise before as I’ve been naturally smaller my entire life (thank you metabolism), but after reading countless articles about how important exercise is, and how there’s no better time to start than in your 20’s I thought why not. I always love an excuse to improve myself.

Here are a few things I’ve learnt from working out so far:

  • I haven’t felt this confident since people started calling me ‘pretty’ instead of ‘cute’ when I was a transitioning teen.
  • The post-work out glow is real. I honestly find sweat really attractive now (is this super weird? probably haha).
  • I have not regretted one work out, but I feel immense regret when I push my work out back a day (not even skipping it, just rescheduling!). I think there’s just some sort of pride linked to knowing you completed your exercise for the day.
  • I finally feel like I deserve my body. I know I haven’t been at this very long, so maybe this one is a bit premature, but I never felt like I deserved to be as small as I am since I eat pretty poorly and I know that I maintained this size by having a good metabolism, which is ultimately out of my control, but since I started working out it finally feels like I am the reason my body is like this, not my metabolism.
  • I feel like I’ve gotten better at listening to my body. I know that some days I’ve pushed myself or even that I may have done an exercise incorrectly and I need to give myself a day break to let my body heal itself. I’ve just never been so self-aware of how my body is feeling and how I should be caring for it.
  • I feel stronger. Little tasks that used to leave me winded or sore are starting to become SO much easier. This excites me very much.
  • Along with a new found confidence, I feel such pride in myself. For finally starting something I’ve said I would for ages. For finally taking the first step in improving myself.

These are just a few things I’ve found so far. Nothing really health related, but just my experience. If anyone has started working out, or doing something else to improve themselves lately, I’d love to hear any things you’ve discovered!

Love always,
Kate


Some (rather unflattering) progress photos:

Making Life Decisions is Hard

Hello Folks,

I can’t express how good I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know if it’s the weather, the exercise, my diet, or just my general will to feel better, but something is working.

What’s still in the back of my mind is, “what am I doing?”. Days pass quickly and before I know it, it’s Sunday evening and I’m mentally preparing myself for another work week. I don’t enjoy what I do. Not in the slightest. Time goes by quickly though and although my days at work are becoming painfully repetitive, it’s routine and I get paid to do it, so oh well. But. How much longer can I just stay in a routine before it becomes THE routine. The one that I just continue to do my whole life because I just never chose to break away from it.

My dream job would be working as apart of the event staff for Comic Con, probably Toronto’s as it’s the largest in Canada, and if I was some how able to obtain an American visa and depending how the recent U.S. election goes, I’d love to move to the U.S. to work as apart of one of their many Comic Con’s as they’re much larger and more successful. I would also love to work as a personal assistant for a celebrity or major politician. These are all pretty far out, but none the less achievable.

Where do you start? How do you know if it will ever be achievable or if once you achieve it, that it was the right choice? If no, do you just start over? I know the answers to all these questions, but I don’t like it. I don’t like the idea of wasting more time to figure out what I already know: that I don’t know anything. Nothing can be predicted and only through trial and error will you discover what you should be – or what you think you should be – doing.

I don’t like those odds.

I know that I’m an over thinker. I have been since I was a little girl and it’s riddled my life with anxieties that have been out of my control. It’s hard to turn off something that works even when you’re sleeping. From the time you’re little you have a path that is beyond your control. You must finish elementary school, middle school and than high school. If you grew up in North America like me, you’re likely persuaded to pursue post-secondary education. Then you finish and you no longer have a path. No one’s telling you what to do, no school is telling you where you need to live. It’s all open and that terrifies me. Movies and television romanticize the idea of freedom and endless possibilities, but why does no one talk about how over whelming and stressful it is? How with every wrong decision you lose precious time and hard earned money just to get knocked back to square one?

I know that most wrongs can easily be made right. You move somewhere you don’t like? Move again. What about harder decisions though? What about quitting jobs that won’t take you back, choosing a life partner, moving somewhere that may end up deteriorating relationships with friends and family? Some decisions require analysis and risk management but you still can never know for sure until you try. And so I wait. And days and then weeks pass and I’m still here. Not taking risks because I can’t calculate their chance of failure.

My life is stable and comfortable but at the same time is riddled with endless anxiety that I’m missing out on something bigger. That isn’t the only thing I worry about though, no, I’m also constantly worrying that I’m taking what I’ve already accomplished for granted and that this is the something bigger.

I know I started this by saying that I’ve been feeling better and now it might now sound like it, but I promise that I am. It’s just that making life decisions is hard.

Love always,
Kate

 

 

Little Life Update: Hair Changes & Pets

Hello Folks,

Not much has changed since my last post, except that I cut even more of my hair off and dyed it for the first time in years! I love the change, although it’s rather subtle. I got “balayage” done, so it should grow out pretty nicely, so I may hold back on cutting it again for a while. We’ll see, but for the mean time I’m loving it!

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In other exciting news, Ryan has finally let me get a cat! I’ve been looking on petfinder.com to find a kitty that fits with me (us) but also is coming from a shelter. I always wanted a pure bred cat (ya I’m a bit of a snob lol) but the more I read into breeding and the possible conditions that the cats are kept in, it just made me too sad and I decided I’d rather get a cat from a shelter that needs a home more desperately. So wish me luck on hopefully finding “the one” soon!

On less of a happy note, I’m still at McDonald’s. I swear once I leave there my life will just instantly feel more fulfilling. It’s a lot to bet on and I’m not getting my hopes up, but trudging my way to McDonald’s every day at five thirty in the morning has some lasting effects on one’s mood haha. I can’t express how much I hate hate HATE fast food! Uniforms and the smell of grease are beginning to be the bane of my existence. This job is really the only thing holding me back from having my shit together (kind of). So here’s to hoping I can find something else in the near future.

Not much else is new besides that, Ryan has a possible new job lined up for March, in Saskatchewan though, so that’s pretty unfortunate. It’s not 100% yet though, so I’m not getting too upset about it just yet. That’s part of the reason I’ve been more seriously looking for a cat though because I don’t want to be all alone in this apartment.

Well that’s all for now. Sorry my life isn’t more exciting haha.

Love always,
Kate