Hello, October

Sometimes I get really anxious. It’s never about anything in particular, it just – happens. It feels like a combination of little things that would be fine on their own but added together becomes too much. I’m a self diagnosed hypochondriac (haha) and with cold season and the decline of warm weather has come an onset of symptoms to freak out about. Winter months are dreary for me and usually when I feel my worst, I’ve always thought I may have seasonal depression. Spring makes my soul feel like it’s in bloom and although the beautiful colours of the fall foliage got me feeling some-kind-of-way, it also feels ominous. Every autumn I try to prepare myself mentally for winter but it never seems to be enough. I hope this winter is different, I always hope each winter will be different.

I have been trying to confront my anxieties and some have been harder than others. Being surrounded by people at school countless hours a week is exhausting and spending so much time on social media outside of school has also been exhausting. I find it so hard to cut down without feeling like I’m missing out on new content, while simultaneously feeling like I’m missing out from real-world content. It’s something I struggle with a lot.

I know all my problems are currently within my own head, which I think can sometimes be the hardest part. To fight your own illogical need to feel anxious, with your own sense of rationality. I think sometimes it’s important to just take deep breaths, and to not pick on yourself for loses. This week I missed two classes because I needed the mental health break and I knew I wouldn’t suffer too badly by not going. And I think that’s ok. I didn’t get nearly as much work done, or do as many readings, but I did get some stuff done, I did finish group projects, answer e-mails, book appointments and sometimes that’s enough.

Sometimes I find it hard not to be my own biggest critic. I always tell myself I’m not working hard enough, that I’m not doing my best in school, that other people are doing more, are doing better, are happier, prettier, have more money, are doing cooler things. And in those moments I just stop myself. I focus on everything I’m currently proud of. I think of all the good things currently bringing happiness to my life. I think of my prospects and how everything I’m working on currently will pay off in the end. I take some deep breaths, grab a cup of water and give myself a mental hug.

It’s hard to give yourself a break sometimes, to tell yourself “you’re doing enough, you are enough”, so incase you weren’t able to say it today – you are more than enough. Now take a deep breath and go enjoy a nap – you deserve it.

Little Life Updates: I’m Ok, Really

Hello Folks,

I’ve spent the last year thinking about dying. Thinking about why I think about dying. It’s confusing and painful and some times the thoughts feel so intrusive, like they aren’t thoughts of mine but ones that someone else is implanting in my mind for me.

In my last post I mentioned feeling suicidal and I’m thankful for the people who reached out to me (and my mother) after it was posted, but it got me thinking. I have some clarification I need to do. I was wrong, I’m not suicidal, because that may imply that 1) I want to end my life and 2) I have tried to end my life. Neither are true. I have come to the conclusion that my “suicidal thoughts” are not exactly that, but a desire to no longer exist, to no longer have to live my specific life.

I know it’s selfish to say, or even think. When it comes down to it, I’m very thankful for the opportunities that I’ve been given and I know that I live a very privileged life. My biggest struggles come from money and my own sanity, but as far as food, water, shelter and material goods, I’m extremely grateful.

Most of my resentment towards my own life lies with my mental state, which if you’ve been following me for a while, you know wavers constantly. Just today I was looking through old posts in an attempt to recategorized and organize them, and it was funny to see the back and forth between feeling like things were finally looking up, and feeling extremely dreary.

I just wanted to let anyone who’s been wondering know that I’m ok. Sometimes I get mad at my brain because it feels like it’s natural state is sadness. Normal people get to start each day with a blank state of emotions, with sadness, happiness, anger, etc. being added as they experience situations throughout the day. I feel like I’m broken in the way that my day starts with an off set of sadness, and I have to actively seek things that cause me happiness, and draw it out of the smallest situations, instead of that emotion coming to me naturally.

That might not make any sense, but it’s the best way I can find to describe it. What I’m trying to say, is that yes, I may be sad, but I’m ok, because the way I feel isn’t in direct correlation to something that has happened to me, but just how my mind chooses to start each day. I’m learning to live with my rain cloud, one day at a time, and I hope soon that instead of getting soaked, I can feel as though I’m dancing in the rain.

Love always,

What I’ve Learnt From Working Out (So Far)

Hello Folks,

So this marks the close of week 3 of BBG 0.1. I’ve been working out close to every day for three weeks after pretty much never working out a day in my life. I’ve never really felt the need to exercise before as I’ve been naturally smaller my entire life (thank you metabolism), but after reading countless articles about how important exercise is, and how there’s no better time to start than in your 20’s I thought why not. I always love an excuse to improve myself.

Here are a few things I’ve learnt from working out so far:

  • I haven’t felt this confident since people started calling me ‘pretty’ instead of ‘cute’ when I was a transitioning teen.
  • The post-work out glow is real. I honestly find sweat really attractive now (is this super weird? probably haha).
  • I have not regretted one work out, but I feel immense regret when I push my work out back a day (not even skipping it, just rescheduling!). I think there’s just some sort of pride linked to knowing you completed your exercise for the day.
  • I finally feel like I deserve my body. I know I haven’t been at this very long, so maybe this one is a bit premature, but I never felt like I deserved to be as small as I am since I eat pretty poorly and I know that I maintained this size by having a good metabolism, which is ultimately out of my control, but since I started working out it finally feels like I am the reason my body is like this, not my metabolism.
  • I feel like I’ve gotten better at listening to my body. I know that some days I’ve pushed myself or even that I may have done an exercise incorrectly and I need to give myself a day break to let my body heal itself. I’ve just never been so self-aware of how my body is feeling and how I should be caring for it.
  • I feel stronger. Little tasks that used to leave me winded or sore are starting to become SO much easier. This excites me very much.
  • Along with a new found confidence, I feel such pride in myself. For finally starting something I’ve said I would for ages. For finally taking the first step in improving myself.

These are just a few things I’ve found so far. Nothing really health related, but just my experience. If anyone has started working out, or doing something else to improve themselves lately, I’d love to hear any things you’ve discovered!

Love always,

Some (rather unflattering) progress photos:

Drafts on Drafts

Hello Folks,

So I was in the middle of trying to write a blog post when I got about one paragraph in and clicked the “save draft” button and went to close the tab, when I saw that I had 18 drafts saved, eighteen! I started reading little snippets of them and it just transported me back to the time I was writing them, sometimes out of sadness or frustration, other times out of glee and hopefulness. I thought it was interesting to see how just in a few months all the different emotions I had been feeling and all the topics I was getting ready to discuss and for whatever reason chose to discard. Since I don’t think any of these posts will make it to my blog permanently, I thought I’d share the beginning of a few of the posts, just to give them some life before I delete them for good.

Shaking Things Up, 27/10/2015

Hello Folks,

So lately I’ve been feeling a little bit in a rut. Not in a frustrating or upsetting way, but just that my week days are beginning to all blend in to one and that my weekends are rushing by or being slept away.

Things That Make Me Happy, 21/11/2015

Hello Folks,

I find that in the hustle and bustle of every day life it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the things that are going wrong and we sometimes forget to notice the things that are going right.

Frustration and Lack of Direction, 28/11/2015

Hello Folks,

Do you ever just feel like everything is just doing exactly what you wish it hadn’t? Something as small and frustrating as every word you type into your phone coming up with a typo, to something as large and heart wrenching as finding out your relatives illness has returned?

Untitled, 01/29/2016

Hello Folks,

Almost a month of 2016 has gone by already. Where has the time gone? I updated my blog’s look a little bit! As a little New Year’s gift to myself I purchased a new logo from a graphic artist off Etsy and I’m absolutely in love with it!

Burning Steam, 11/02/216

Hello Folks,

I wanted to let out a bit of steam in this post so if you don’t want to read some passive aggressive blog post, close the tab now.

Chasing Adventure, 13/02/2016

Hello Folks,

Do you ever just want to drop everything you’re doing and get a job in the middle of no where and just start new? Today has been filled with those type of desires.

Time and Going Up and Down, 03/04/2016

Hello Folks,

So how amazing and awful can those Facebook “memories” things be? You get to see your ex’s wishing you a happy anniversary, but you also get to see old photos of yourself with horrible fringe.

Enjoying Summer in a City By Yourself, 08/04/2016

Hello Folks,

So my idea of a wonderful summer came crashing down on me Saturday evening when I found out that my last two friends who were staying in Ottawa for the summer, decided they were not.

Goals and Sticking To Them, 28/04/2016

Hello Folks,

I’m honestly not really sure what to write about anymore, because this blog, although still without much of a following, used to literally have no audience what so ever. I don’t have any documentable talents and I’ve personally always enjoyed finding out about the inner workings of other people’s lives…

Living For The Future, 02/05/2016

Hello Folks,

I have never been interested in being a 20 something and now that I’m here I’m even less interested.

It’s just so funny to see how things change and what was going through my mind all those days, and how funnily enough, I didn’t feel passionate enough about anything I was writing to even bother finishing the post or revisiting it until now. I hope you enjoyed a few of my would-be-posts from the cutting room floor, until next time…

Love always,

40 Hours a Week

Hello Folks,

Every once in a while I get a crippling sense of lack of progression, lack of accomplishment, lack of everything. I seriously sit still and just look into space and think about how I’m still here and how I have no idea what I want my future to be and it’s honestly terrifying.

I’ve always lived in the future, granted to a usually unhealthy degree, but I did. I always knew what I wanted to be, where I wanted to live, what I wanted to do. Now that I’ve reached the age that I should be doing these things it’s like these ideas couldn’t be further from my mind.

I originally went to school to be a Clinical Child Psychologist. Hilarious right. I was going to first do my psychology undergrad, followed by my masters, followed by my PhD, some where along the line specializing in children, particularly critically ill children. I’m not quite sure how this became a dream of mine, but I wanted to do it. I began psychology at Carleton and some where along my first year at school my ideas changed. I knew that I didn’t want to spend 11 years and thousands of dollars in school to get a job.

Honestly, to me, a job is just that, a job. I’ve never thought that you need to be super passionate about your job, or that you need to make loads of money. I think both are bonus’s, but not necessities. On average, you spend 40 hours a week at work, that doesn’t include late nights or bring home work, just your average work week. That leaves you with with 128 hours to do what ever else you please. I personally choose to fill my 128 hours with the things that I’m passionate about, the things that make me happy, and the other 40 are just what make me money to pay for the other 128 hours.

So when I thought about being in school for 11 years to get me the job where I would be for 40 hours a week (granted probably more with this particular job), it just didn’t make sense. Not to mention my true dream has always been to be a mum, and I knew that if I wanted to be a stay at home mum, at least until my child got into elementary school, that it probably wouldn’t happen while I held a 6 figure position. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are tons of hard working momma’s (and poppa’s) out there that work very hard while also raising children, but I just didn’t think I could ever balance such an emotional career while also raising babies.

Instead of psychology I tried to figure out what else I liked, what I was good at, what came naturally to me. That’s when I thought: planning and organizing. I applied for Event Management at Algonquin College and the rest is history. Sort of. The year mark of my graduation is creeping up and the further I get away from my graduation date, the less hopeful I feel about ever getting a job in my field, and frankly, the less I care.

When I first graduated I looked for the most important sounding, demanding jobs. Slowing my standards (or expectations) lowered and I started looking directly for entry level positions, and then positions that just related to events in some way, and then almost not related to events at all. It’s weird how it happened but something that I was so passionate about became some how irrelevant to what I would be spending my 40 hours a week doing.

I know that I’m unhappy where I am now. I’m tired, I’ve gained weight, my face has filled with spots, I don’t care about my appearance, my general attitude has plummeted and today for the first time in a long time I raised my voice at someone. It literally startled me as it happened. I know that I can’t stay there much longer and it got me thinking about my 40 hours a week. I know I said it’s just making money, but there needs to be some level of happiness, if not sanity involved. I just don’t currently have that.

This is what lead to my crippling sense of hopelessness. I haven’t even gained progress on what I think I’d like to do. I know that one day I want to live by the mountains and the ocean. That I want a house filled with sunshine and white walls. That I want fresh flowers in every room. But in my day dreams there isn’t a part where I go off to work at ______. I dream of one day owning a bed and breakfast, but unfortunately I don’t have any extra bedrooms yet and I also need to learn how to make breakfast haha.

Like always I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I guess I’m just looking for somehow to make 40 of my 128 hours a week less sucky.

Love always,