anxiety

Hello, October

Sometimes I get really anxious. It’s never about anything in particular, it just – happens. It feels like a combination of little things that would be fine on their own but added together becomes too much. I’m a self diagnosed hypochondriac (haha) and with cold season and the decline of warm weather has come an onset of symptoms to freak out about. Winter months are dreary for me and usually when I feel my worst, I’ve always thought I may have seasonal depression. Spring makes my soul feel like it’s in bloom and although the beautiful colours of the fall foliage got me feeling some-kind-of-way, it also feels ominous. Every autumn I try to prepare myself mentally for winter but it never seems to be enough. I hope this winter is different, I always hope each winter will be different.

I have been trying to confront my anxieties and some have been harder than others. Being surrounded by people at school countless hours a week is exhausting and spending so much time on social media outside of school has also been exhausting. I find it so hard to cut down without feeling like I’m missing out on new content, while simultaneously feeling like I’m missing out from real-world content. It’s something I struggle with a lot.

I know all my problems are currently within my own head, which I think can sometimes be the hardest part. To fight your own illogical need to feel anxious, with your own sense of rationality. I think sometimes it’s important to just take deep breaths, and to not pick on yourself for loses. This week I missed two classes because I needed the mental health break and I knew I wouldn’t suffer too badly by not going. And I think that’s ok. I didn’t get nearly as much work done, or do as many readings, but I did get some stuff done, I did finish group projects, answer e-mails, book appointments and sometimes that’s enough.

Sometimes I find it hard not to be my own biggest critic. I always tell myself I’m not working hard enough, that I’m not doing my best in school, that other people are doing more, are doing better, are happier, prettier, have more money, are doing cooler things. And in those moments I just stop myself. I focus on everything I’m currently proud of. I think of all the good things currently bringing happiness to my life. I think of my prospects and how everything I’m working on currently will pay off in the end. I take some deep breaths, grab a cup of water and give myself a mental hug.

It’s hard to give yourself a break sometimes, to tell yourself “you’re doing enough, you are enough”, so incase you weren’t able to say it today – you are more than enough. Now take a deep breath and go enjoy a nap – you deserve it.

40 Hours a Week

Hello Folks,

Every once in a while I get a crippling sense of lack of progression, lack of accomplishment, lack of everything. I seriously sit still and just look into space and think about how I’m still here and how I have no idea what I want my future to be and it’s honestly terrifying.

I’ve always lived in the future, granted to a usually unhealthy degree, but I did. I always knew what I wanted to be, where I wanted to live, what I wanted to do. Now that I’ve reached the age that I should be doing these things it’s like these ideas couldn’t be further from my mind.

I originally went to school to be a Clinical Child Psychologist. Hilarious right. I was going to first do my psychology undergrad, followed by my masters, followed by my PhD, some where along the line specializing in children, particularly critically ill children. I’m not quite sure how this became a dream of mine, but I wanted to do it. I began psychology at Carleton and some where along my first year at school my ideas changed. I knew that I didn’t want to spend 11 years and thousands of dollars in school to get a job.

Honestly, to me, a job is just that, a job. I’ve never thought that you need to be super passionate about your job, or that you need to make loads of money. I think both are bonus’s, but not necessities. On average, you spend 40 hours a week at work, that doesn’t include late nights or bring home work, just your average work week. That leaves you with with 128 hours to do what ever else you please. I personally choose to fill my 128 hours with the things that I’m passionate about, the things that make me happy, and the other 40 are just what make me money to pay for the other 128 hours.

So when I thought about being in school for 11 years to get me the job where I would be for 40 hours a week (granted probably more with this particular job), it just didn’t make sense. Not to mention my true dream has always beenย to be a mum, and I knew that if I wanted to be a stay at home mum, at least until my child got into elementary school, that it probably wouldn’t happen while I held a 6 figure position. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are tons of hard working momma’s (and poppa’s) out there that work very hard while also raising children, but I just didn’t think I could ever balance such an emotional career while also raising babies.

Instead of psychology I tried to figure out what else I liked, what I was good at, what came naturally to me. That’s when I thought: planning and organizing. I applied for Event Management at Algonquin College and the rest is history. Sort of. The year mark of my graduation is creeping up and the further I get away from my graduation date, the less hopeful I feel about ever getting a job in my field, and frankly, the less I care.

When I first graduated I looked for the most important sounding, demanding jobs. Slowing my standards (or expectations) lowered and I started looking directly for entry level positions, and then positions that just related to events in some way, and then almost not related to events at all. It’s weird how it happened but something that I was so passionate about became some how irrelevant to what I would be spending my 40 hours a week doing.

I know that I’m unhappy where I am now. I’m tired, I’ve gained weight, my face has filled with spots, I don’t care about my appearance, my general attitude has plummeted and today for the first time in a long time I raised my voice at someone. It literally startled me as it happened. I know that I can’t stay there much longer and it got me thinking about my 40 hours a week. I know I said it’s just making money, but there needs to be some level of happiness, if not sanity involved. I just don’t currently have that.

This is what lead to my crippling sense of hopelessness.ย I haven’t even gained progress on what I think I’d like to do. I know that one day I want to live by the mountains and the ocean. That I want a house filled with sunshine and white walls. That I want fresh flowers in every room. But in my day dreams there isn’t a part where I go off to work at ______. I dream of one day owning a bed and breakfast, but unfortunately I don’t have any extra bedrooms yet and I also need to learn how to make breakfast haha.

Like always I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I guess I’m just looking for somehow to make 40 of my 128 hours a week less sucky.

Love always,
Kate