Drafts on Drafts (#2)

Hello Folks,

I’ve had a really hard time writing lately. Any time I come to discuss a topic or my feelings I begin and get about half way through a post before I quit writing, click the ‘save’ button and exit my browser. It reminded me of a blog post I wrote just under a year ago where I discussed the fact that I had 18 drafts just lying in some blogosphere waste land. Well, today I currently have 49. In under a year I have some how managed to muster up 31 more drafts. So, in the name of resurrecting lost posts, I’d like to do a ‘drafts on drafts’ 2.0.


Little Life Update: Life Is Messy, 06/03/2017

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything and I started feeling guilty about it. I write much better when I’m upset and creating when I’m happy has been proving to be more difficult than I thought.


To, 10/02/2017

Dear Depressed Me,


A Letter To My Little Sister (And Others Leaving High School to Pursue Post Secondary), 03/02/2017

Hello Little Sis,

As you know, I’ve felt an over whelming amount of love towards school since going back to Carleton and entering the Women and Gender Studies program. I know you’re considering post-secondary and a lot of your friends are too


Just Kate, 30/01/2017

Hello Folks,

I’m currently procrastinating studying for a test I have tomorrow so after checking twitter, instagram, snapchat, the works, I landed on my blog. The last hope for my procrastination.


Little Life Update: Self Love, 17/01/2017

Hello Folks,

I wanted to blab a little bit about my what I call “self love”.

I’ve spent my whole life re-evaluating and readjusting how I saw myself. As a child, I remember having no opinion. My hair was long and stringy, my mother often dressed me in fun outfits that I sometimes deemed questionable, but wore regardless, because how I dressed ultimately didn’t matter to me.


What It’s Actually Like Removing A Toxic Person From Your Life, 11/01/2017

Hi Folks,

I spent most of my life believing that you must make compromises with the company that surround your life. That if people treat you badly, don’t respect you, or generally lower the quality of your life that you must put up with their actions and short comings because they are in your life for a reason.


Surviving, Thriving and Everything In-between, 04/12/2016

Hello Folks,

I’ve spent a lot of today thinking about the word sonder. Sonder; n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.


A Letter To The People Stuck Between High School and So-Called Adulthood, 26/10/2016

Hello there,

I know that right now is a really tough time. You’ve finished high school, maybe you’re working trying to figure out your next move, maybe you’re in post-secondary and questioning every day if you’ve made the right choice, or maybe you’ve already graduated and feel like you’re floating between school and “real life”. I am here to tell you that it’s going to be ok. I’ll even go on step further and tell you why.


Mindless Living, 02/10/2016

Hello Folks,

Do you ever find you’re living your life in something that almost resembles a trance? Like you’ve gotten so sucked into a routine that you don’t even really know if you’re trying anymore?


Figuring Stuff Out, 07/09/2016

Hello Folks,

I think I’m a very introspective person, perhaps too much so. I’m constantly evaluating my own mental and emotional processes, trying to stumble upon some clue that may lead me to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing here.


Taking Chances, 07/09/2016

Hello Folks,

I read something on the internet the other day that I haven’t been able to get out of my mind. It said:

“1. Make a list of things that make you happy
2. Make a list of the things you do every day
3. Compare the lists
4. Adjust accordingly”

I don’t know why this struck me so much, but I haven’t been able to shake it. From reading my blog, it’s pretty apparent I’m not happy where I am. A lot of days (like today) feel wasted over pent up frustration about my job and going no where.


Knowing When Is Enough, 24/09/2016

Hello Folks,

Today marks one horrid year since I returned to my fast food job. Last April I said my goodbyes and quit for what I thought would be forever.


Anyways, I just find it interesting to look back on the posts I started and never finished. I always wonder why I didn’t continue them. If I got bored, if I was unsatisfied with the way the post was turning out, etc. No matter the reason, it’s always interesting to go back and breathe some life back into old posts.

Love always,
Kate

Little Life Update: Being Someone Who is Sad – Not a Sad Person

Hello Folks,

Sometimes I hate my intro, but I think I’ve grown too accustomed to starting all posts like that so I feel obligated to. It does help me from having to think of a creative way to dive into a post. If I didn’t have it I think all my posts would start with some nonsensical rambling like this. Sigh. Anyways.

I think my years worth of posts have made it quite evident that depression is something I have experienced, in waves, throughout my life time. I’ve never been able to pin-point what brings it on, or when it started and I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to come closer to a conclusion.

I know that a staggering amount of women experience depression and suicidal thoughts as a result of the birth control pill, and having started the pill when I was about 15, similarly around the time I started feeling these bouts of depression, I thought that maybe that could have been it. I discontinued the use of my birth control in the summer, and instantly I noticed my mood swings go away. I thought my depression had gone away too, until recently.

Sometimes I think it may be from an overbearing amount of emotional stimulation. I tend to feel everything arguably too deeply. Having recently gone through a break up from my boyfriend of almost 4 years, it was safe to say I was really sad. We lived together, technically still live together, and seeing each other so often can obviously be hard. It’s difficult to be sad about something ending, happy you’re still friends, but confused on what seeing them every day means.

I think my whole life I’ve always analyzed everything, every interaction, every thought, every possible outcome of a situation and obviously this can become very draining. On top of the emotional rollercoaster I consider myself to be on, I think it’s just become too much.

It’s just scary to think because I wanted to blame birth control. I didn’t want to be a sad person, I just wanted to be a person who had sad thoughts because they were on this pill that had those results as a side effect. It’s a little over whelming in itself to come to that conclusion. That something inside of your brain is wired in a way that just makes you feel sad. That makes you want to push the people you love away from you. It’s like turning over in bed at night and wishing so badly the other person would grab you back, even though you were the one to turn over in the first place.

I try to remind myself everything that is going really well. I repeat to myself the things that are making me happy. The changes in my life that I’m amidst of. The things I’m doing right now that will pay off in the future. But it can be so friggen difficult. It’s hard to know if you’re ever doing the right thing, if being in school again is even worth it. What if I fail my classes? What if I’m not smart enough? What if I don’t get into midwifery? I can’t go back to working full-time at a brain-numbing job. I can’t. So I push forward into so much unknown it nearly makes me sick.

I wish I was excited by the unknown. I wish I could jump head first into it and be excited by it’s mystery. But I’m not. I like a solid ground to walk upon, I like to know what to expect next. Being rational isn’t exactly as sexy as being spontaneous, unfortunately.

I’ve tried to shift my perspective. That my bouts of depression aren’t a character flaw, but more so something that I occasionally have to go through. It just sucks because I can feel my self projecting my emotions onto those around me and I always worry that they don’t see it this way. They don’t see it as an opportunity to get closer to me by comforting me, but instead as a nuisance in their life, by being a dark cloud on their otherwise sunny day. I just don’t want to be the sad girl in anyones life. I don’t want to be the sad girl in my own life.

Kate

How I Remain Positive

Hello Folks,

I don’t know what it’s been lately, maybe it’s the news or the weather but everything has felt generally negative. People seem more rude than normal and it doesn’t feel like any one puts in an effort to be nice to strangers anymore.

As you all know, I recently enrolled back at Carleton, and honestly I’ve been loving it. People ask me quite frequently (I think out of courtesy) how I’m liking school again so far and I always say I’m absolutely in love with my program, and I am. My professors are wonderful, the topics are engaging and I generally like my assignments as well.

The only thing I’ve had a problem with at school is other students. I can go a whole day at school without one person even making eye contact with me and I find that so bizarre. I know they say that millennials are always on their phones and connected through cyber space but not the actual space they are existing in, and it’s true. If we aren’t on our phones avoiding eye contact, we’re just looking the other way. It’s so strange how unable to interact with other people we are as a generation.

I’m sure some people reading this are like “thank god we’re like that, I hate when people stare at me”, but maybe there are also people out there like me who miss and value human interaction.

So here is what I do every day (mainly at school) to remain positive:

1) I make eye contact and smile at at least 1 person a day. It’s a small goal, but there’s something about seeing the look in someones eyes when they weren’t expecting anyone to be friendly towards them that day. It sounds sooo cheesy but I promise you it’s weirdly rewarding.

2) I think about how genuinely blessed I am to be in school. Again, so cheesy. After discussing with some fellow McDonald’s coworkers the other day, we decided that nothing makes you get your shit together faster than working full-time at McDonald’s. If you’re ever feeling ungrateful for your education, take a year off, work 6am-2pm shifts, Monday to Friday at McDonald’s and I promise you when you return to school the next year you’ll be begging to go to class.

3) Try to make friends. I have talked to and gotten aquatinted with at least one person in every one of my classes. Honestly, nothing makes a class go by faster than having someone to discuss the topic with and to make small talk with on the breaks. It makes time feel like it’s going by a lot faster and is also a hell of a lot less lonely.

4) I hold doors open for people. Always. If there is anyone behind me I hold it open. I don’t just push it really hard so it stays open for the next person. No. I take the 30 seconds out of my day to hold the door open for the person behind me. And guess what? I also smile at them when I do it.

5) On a similar note, I say thank you to every person who holds a door open for me. Even though most of them don’t look back to see who they’re actually holding a door open for, as soon as I say “thank you” they usually turn around and say “you’re welcome”. Such a simple way to value people’s efforts.

Anyways, I know these sounds so basic and simplistic but it’s astonishing how little effort people put into human interactions now a days. I know I probably sound like your grand mother who also doesn’t trust cell phones and thinks selfies are the most vain thing in human history even though she doesn’t bat and eye at how long it probably look the portraits of the Queen to be painted. Long winded example but you get my point 😉

My point is, sometimes being surrounded by tons of people who are putting off tons of negative energy can be really defeating, but it’s really easy to become that random act of kindness for someone who otherwise may have been having a shitty day, which in turn might may your day a little brighter too.

Love always,
Kate

Little Life Update: Milestones & The Women’s March

Hello Folks,

I just wanted to write a quick little thing. Today I hit 50 followers on my blog! I know this doesn’t seem like a lot and I really don’t focus on things like my following because I truly only write to vent and for nothing more, but I still thought it was pretty neat to think 50 people have been following me along on this journey.

On another note, I’ve been enjoying all the posts, tweets, articles, etc. about the Women’s March’s across the world today. Although there are always the oppressors and the trolls, I think it’s safe to say there are so many more allies. So proud of all the Women (however you identify) and allies who marched today. Here are a few of my favourite signs I’ve seen:

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Shared by @Sarcasticluther on Twitter

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Shared by @Emilygbrown on Twitter

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Shared by @ddale8 on Twitter

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Shared by @iElanaojeda1 on Twitter

I hope you’re all enjoying your Saturday and had the opportunity to participate in a women’s march in your area or the conversation that is happening online world wide. We may be taking baby steps, but at least we’re moving forward.

Love always,
Kate

New York City

Hello Folks,

So I’ve been meaning to write this blog post for a long time, but due to laziness and procrastination, I kept putting it off. With going back to school this new year, I’ve been trying really hard to cross off everything on my to-do list.

This September one of my oldest friends, who I commonly refer to as my big sissy, Martina, messaged me about a seat sale with Porter Airlines. It was a couple days after my 21st birthday and I just thought “why not”. Before I knew it, we had booked our flight for a week in New York City (which neither of us had ever been to).

Before I knew it, a month had went by and it was time for our trip!

*Disclaimer: a lot of this trip is eating and walking around

Wednesday

  • We left for New York on Wednesday, October 26th (yes this post is very late)
  • While waiting in line for security in Ottawa I warned Martina “I always getting stopped for these”, she said she does too and we laughed about it, until about 3 minutes later when the women checked my ticket and told me that I had been chosen “at random” to be searched
  • They checked Martina too because she was traveling with me, but after patting down my body, checking the bottom of my feet, going through my whole suitcase (including my underwear – thank you airport security man for fondling those) and ruining the packing job I had spent an hour doing perfectly, we were set to go
  • Of course until we got to our transfer in Toronto and instead of going to the lounge to wait for our connecting flight like all the other passengers on our flight, I was brought specially upstairs to go through security AGAIN, where they found nothing, AGAIN (*sigh*)
  • Our flight arrived in New Jersey in the evening and we spent the rest of the night just trekking to Brooklyn (where we were staying in an airbnb)

Thursday

  • We started the morning by exploring Chelsea Market, doing a bit of shopping and getting breakfast
  • We walked a lot of High Line Park, even though it was a bit chilly haha
  • We tried some People Pop’s
  • We decided to do Madame Tussaud’s and after making it to the end we were sure we missed something because it felt way too short, to which one of their employees responded “Ya a lot of people say that”… moral of the story, don’t waste your money on the Madame Tussaud’s in NYC haha
  • We stopped at Carlo’s Bakery to enjoy some (not so) deserved treats
  • We explored Times Square, ate typical tourist food (i.e. pretzels and hot dogs)
  • And lastly, we saw Chicago the musical!

Friday 

  • Friday was rainy, which kind of sucked so we did a lot of indoor activities today
  • We started our day by going to Sarah Beth’s for brunch after seeing tons of glowing reviews online
  • The place was more on the expensive side, but I can say that I hands down had the best Eggs Benedict I’ve ever had in my life
  • We then went to the Museum of Natural History
  • And then we went to the Museum of Modern Art, which ended up being one of my favourite parts of the trip
  • P.S. Most of these museums are “pay what you wish” and yes, they’ll give you dirty looks if you pay $5 for two people when the recommended price is like $15-20 each, but they’ll still let you in hahahahaha
  • We ended our night by going to Junior’s for cheesecake (after a recommendation from our friend Karen) and then headed back to Brooklyn!

Saturday

  • We hoped to spend Saturday in Central Park, but yet again it was raining so we made some last minute changes to our plans
  • We started our day with bottomless mimosas at Poco’s (after they just squeezed us in without a reservation)
  • We went to Grand Central Station
  • We ate (more) food at Magnolia’s Bakery
  • At this point I was drunk and essentially falling asleep in Grand Central Station, so we decided to head back to Brooklyn for a little siesta haha
  • After our much needed nap, we decided to go to the Guggenheim (or as the person behind us referred to it as the “Guggen-line) because it was the “free” night, I don’t think either of us were really that phased by the exhibits and decided to leave to, you probably guessed it, get more food haha
  • With an amazing recommendation from our friends Norma and Miller, we decided to check out Roberta’s (back in Brooklyn haha), we waited a while because yet again we had no reservations, but it was worth it because I truly think it was some of the best pizza I’ve ever had, and the place is super cute as well

Sunday

  • Finally some sun!
  • We started our day walking through Prospect Park, which wasn’t too far from our Airbnb
  • We went to Smorgasbord, which is like an outside food market, for lunch and ended up eating like a 5 course meal. Martina made some sacrifices only eating vegetarian food so we could split everything
  • From there we checked out Dumbo, which wasn’t at all what we thought it was going to be, but a lot of people were getting wedding photos taken there and it did have a beautiful view
  • Then we took a short(ish) walk to the Brooklyn Bridge and then walked the length of that
  • After that we took a ferry to Staten Island so we could see the Statue of Liberty (p.s. this is a nice free way of seeing the Statue of Liberty, it’s not the best view, but if you were just looking at crossing it off your NYC bucket list and didn’t want to spend a ton of money, this may be for you)
  • Since we were kind of, not really near by, we decided to do Canal Street/China town
  • After a quick google/pinterest search we ended up at a restaurant called Nom Wah Tea Parlour for dinner, and I know I’ve said this like 5 times already, but honestly the best chinese food I’ve ever had
  • We got in no problem without reservations (I’m only making note of this incase anyone may be planning their own trip)
  • After that we walked through Little Italy and a bit of SOHO before heading back to Brooklyn

Monday

  • Monday was our last day in NYC and we thankfully got some sun!
  • We started our day at the Bagel Store where I got to try the Rainbow Bagel with the funfetti cream cheese (probably a little bit too much sugar for the morning haha)
  • We did the Met
  • Walked through Central Park
  • Took (probably way too many) photos at Belvedere Castle where Martina told me to “stop holding her hand” in the photos *sigh* I was just trying to be cute
  • We went through Strawberry Fields and stopped at the “Imagine” mural
  • After being convinced by a rickshaw driver to take a tour, and thanks to Martina for being a good barterer, we did the little bike tour of Central Park
  • The driver brought us to Bethesda Fountain (or the fountain from “Friends”) and we took a jumping photo. Since we were both wearing dresses I was hesitant in the first place, but with some convincing from our driver we decided to try anyways. Martina’s dress ended up going up and she may have kind of flashed our driver, but it made for a good laugh and an even better photo haha

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  • We hit up all the classic stops in Central Park, and I actually highly recommend one of these little tours cause the drivers know so much information about the Park, and you get to find out all the weird things like the celebrities that live near by and how much they pay for rent haha
  • We ended up going to a Mac and Cheese place for dinner and while we were there we were brainstorming on what we should do for the rest of the night, I don’t know how we came upon seeing a comedy show but thats what we ended up doing
  • We went to a comedy club, which I unfortunately don’t remember the name of (re: Martina says it was called the Comedy Cellar), and got our name put on a waiting list (because yet again we didn’t make reservations haha)
  • When it was time for the show, the bouncer called people’s names out in order on the waitlist and people cheered as people made it into the show
  • Martina and I ended up being the last two people allowed off the wait list before the club was at capacity and they stopped letting people in. Talk about good luck.
  • The show ended up being hilarious, probably because most of the comedians were writers for TV shows and what not, but it was definitely one of my favourite impromptu decisions from our trip
  • From there we headed back to Brooklyn and got ready to head home the following morning

Tuesday

We returned to Ottawa

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I honestly had the best time, and although my photos are few and far between (although it seems like there’s a lot here) I spent a lot of the trip just enjoying my time with my big sissy and best friend. So long live spontaneous trips, blurry iPhone photos and eating way past full.

Love always,
Kate

Welcome 2017

Hello Folks,

Another year has come and gone and although collectively, it doesn’t feel like much has changed in the last year, I know that a lot has. I think that 2016 has been a write off for most of the western world, with the deaths of many beloved celebrities, as well as the unfortunate win of Donald Trump for the United States presidency.

In my own life there has also been changes, good and bad, to name a few:
– My warrior of a grandmother ended her battle with lung cancer and a number of other health complications at the incredible age of 89
– I became a pet owner to the smallest, fluffiest source of happiness I’ve ever known
– After over a full year of working 6am shifts at McDonald’s and brainstorming constantly, I’ve decided to go back to school, finish my bachelor’s and apply to midwifery
– Me and Ryan moved to a new apartment that is better in every way possible (eek so in love)
– I made loads of new friends at McDonald’s and I’m so thankful every day for those people, for getting me through one of the most mentally draining year of my life, and making a greasy restaurant feel like home
– I went on a spontaneous trip to New York with my big sissy (which I’ve still meant to blog about, oops)
– I crossed bungee jumping off my bucket list, thanks to the help of my big sissy yet again

Just a few things that happened for me this year! Moving forward, I wanted to make a list of 10 New Year’s resolutions like I did last year, but decided that maybe just focusing on one big one was a better idea.

My 2017 New Year’s Resolution: To Live In The Moment

This sounds super vague and horribly stereotypical but hear me out. I admittedly have a horrible addiction to technology. Any down time I have I’m on my phone scrolling through Facebook, twitter, instagram and once I’ve exhausted all those feeds I just re-start and refresh. It’s horrible and I’m constantly filling my mind with useless content and unattainable expectations of other peoples life styles. Last night I decided to give myself a couple minutes to scroll through Facebook, and if I saw any quality content worth staying on the app for, then I wouldn’t delete it. I can truthfully say after scrolling for about 3 minutes I had made up my mind. I went to the settings and deactivated my account. Facebook can be useful for certain things: getting updates on people’s lives, receiving invites to events, connecting with old friends you wouldn’t be able to contact otherwise. For me though, the cons greatly outweighed the pros. My family and important friends are aware of (and tell me they read lol) my blog, so I will actively be posting to my blog with more little life updates including photos and such for them to keep up with the more important parts of my day-to-day life. Or, ya know, they can call me and ask, like a regular person would have before they could just creep my Facebook (which I rarely update anyways).

The second reason I’ve chose this as my resolution, is because I want to get back to the basics. I want to develop more skills and more importantly, I want to reconnect with people outside of technology. I’ve become a lazy person and an even lazier friend. I hope that this new year will bring new opportunities for me reach out and spend more time with the people I care about. I also hope to develop more as a person. Last year I took up cross stitching and although I’m no master I feel as though I have the basics down. This year I bought myself a water colour set and hope to spend more of my down time painting instead of scrolling aimlessly on my phone.

I know this all sounds so hippy dippy and dramatic, like “Kate, why can’t you just cut down?”. Well, because I am a social media addict, and I feel as though it’s easier for me to go cold turkey then continue to be sucked into wasting my time online.

Anyways, enough about that. Here are a few photos of my holidays from back home, enjoy!

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Love always,
Kate

 

Little Life Update: Changes

Hello Folks,

I come bearing exciting news! I’m going back to school!

I know I’ve talked about it here and there, but through some unexpected circumstances, I’m actually going back next semester!

My long-term goal is to eventually go to school for Midwifery, but because the acceptance rate is so low I knew that I’d need to improve my academic resume if I wanted to get accepted. Through some research I slowly figured out that most people getting accepted held bachelor’s degrees before being accepted into the program. With a year already under my belt at Carleton, I started looking into going back. I e-mailed the Carleton admissions office and found out that because four years hadn’t passed yet since my first year at Carleton, that I’m technically still a student. Unfortunately, my place at Carleton would expire if I didn’t go back during the winter semester and I’d be forced to reapply through the OUAC system, which also meant repaying all the fees. After talking to friends, family and my boyfriend I decided it would be smarter to go back now and save myself all the trouble of paperwork, fees, etc. later.

I’m still ironing out all the details, but I’ve registered for my courses so come January 2017 I’ll be back at Carleton! I know everything will work itself out but as of right now I’m a little stressed out figuring out all the logistics. Wish me luck!

That’s all I really have to report on for now – so any old Carleton friends of mine, see you around campus soon!

Love always,
Kate