My Thoughts

Red Flags

I read an article about how virgo’s handle breakups yesterday, it said: “you look for some Greater Meaning in everything – methodically analyzing every move trying to learn from it. You vacillate between crying your eyes out or thanking your lucky stars the universe hath delivered you from this fuck boy. You continue to go through old message history looking for red flags after the fact, convinced if you could only find the turning point it would bring you some closure.”

So that’s what I decided to do. I scrolled back to the beginning, to January 27th, in hopes of gaining some closure, to finally find the answers to the questions I had been asking myself periodically since things ended.

Really, I think I just wanted to see what everyone else had told me, that he wasn’t as good as I thought for a long time. That the distance had started forming before I was able to see it myself, because I was so busy making excuses that I didn’t see what was happening right in front of me.

So I scrolled for what felt like forever and began to indulge myself in the history of our digital relationship. On February 12th he quoted a lyric from a jazz song he liked and it went “I fall in love, too easily. I fall in love, too fast. I fall in love, too terribly hard, for love to ever last”. I didn’t know it then, but that summed us up perfectly. We happened too fast and too terribly hard for anything to ever last.

I hadn’t even got to the part of our conversation where we were anything but friends before I was drained and frankly bored, so I decided to turn in for the night. I told myself I’d come back to it in the morning, finish my detective work then. But I woke up with a nasty swirling pit in my stomach and a general feeling of unease. I looked at our conversation and just felt utterly exhausted. Before embarrassingly accidentally sending something in our conversation, I finally took his advice. I deleted our conversation and I blocked him. And now we can both go on living like the other person doesn’t exist.

I was searching for some profound reason that all of this happened. That someone who I thought was so wonderful could have deceived me and how I allowed myself to be such an idiot and fall for it. The thing is, I could say that the reason all of this happened is to teach me to not be so vulnerable and naive. Or it could not even be about me. He mentioned how his views on marriage changed for the better through talking to me, so maybe the reason he came into my life had nothing to do with me – but more to do with how he’ll change for the next, or final girl in his life. Or maybe there is no reason at all.

Sometimes I think you need to let your heart reach it’s full capacity of hurting until it’s ever going to get better. Maybe it’s torture, I mean it’s certainly not healthy. Maybe it’s a virgo thing, or maybe it’s just a Kate thing. But that’s what I told myself when I started this scavenger hunt for the clues of how everything went sour. But somewhere between last night and this afternoon I realized I don’t need to know. Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, or maybe it was just us together.

I heard a quote on a television show once and it said: “You know, it’s funny; when you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags”.

So this is me. Taking off my rose-coloured glasses, ignoring the trail of firmly planted red flags behind me, and finally admitting that maybe neither of us did anything wrong, we just happened too fast, and too hard, for love to ever last.

Green Apple Candle

I mentioned once in a post that I don’t usually remember what loving someone felt like because my memory fades fast. I can’t often hold onto the emotion itself, so I rely on photos and videos and writing I’d done in the past to relive moments. I depend on replaying memories in hopes of remembering how I felt at that exact point in time.

I’m having a hard time right now, because I’m beginning to forget what “loving you” felt like. I have few photos of you and the ones I do hide your face. I have no video and I’m forgetting the sound of excitement in your voice when you told stories about your family, the ocean or your plans for the future.

On one hand, I’m relieved, because you came into my world like a storm: strong, loud, and impossible to ignore. You so quickly made your home in my heart but seemingly just as fast, you decided my love wasn’t for you, and much like a storm, you vanished as rapidly as you arrived.

You left me so utterly confused. I was retracing moments, conversations, trying to figure out exactly where you made the decision to leave me. In what moment you no longer thought of my authenticity as brilliance, but emotionally draining.

There was some point in time where our compatibility and your desire to be with me trumped the work it took to maintain a relationship with someone like me. But maybe that’s just it. I was willing to comfort your moody soul and you weren’t willing to nurture my sensitive one.

Where there were once memories of countless naps in your large embrace and the smell of your green apple candle endlessly burning, there is now the memory of receiving your message telling me you’ve chosen someone else, and seeing them get on the bus at your stop moments later. There is cold text conversations and general aversion.

If it weren’t for these cyber memories I apparently can’t let go of, I would doubt that anything between us ever existed at all. But each time I return to those memories, each time I re-read an old message from you, some distance forms. It feels less like something I experienced and more like a conversation that took place between two seemingly perfect strangers.

He sent her “sometimes I feel like meeting you was my reward for everything kind I’ve ever done. I keep falling harder and faster, enjoying you more and more and you’re already so far off the scales. God bless everything that created you blank. I’m so happy to be sharing my life with you.” And she read the message and felt nothing. The butterflies asleep in her stomach, her heart maintaining a steady beat, the ducts of her eyes completely empty. And she thought: “this is what moving on feels like”.

The Liebster Award

Hello Folks,

While search through statistics on my blog, I had noticed that a few of the views on my account came from a different blog. I decided to check out why people were coming from their blog to mine and I realized they mentioned me in a post! The lovely Lynn from Sweater Giraffe Travels nominated me for the Liebster Award, so I thought I’d continue on the post.

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The rules of the Liebster Award are as follows:
1) Thank the blogger who nominated you and link to their blog.
2) Display the award graphic on your blog.
3) Answer the eleven questions asked by the blogger who nominated you.
4) Nominate five to eleven bloggers and post eleven questions for your nominees.
5)  Publish the full post on your blog.
6) And finally, notify your nominees by posting on their blog.


Lynn’s Questions

1) What’s the best thing you’ve eaten abroad?

Ok, Madie may remember because I feel like I bring up this dish a lot. But we were at this random restaurant in China, I don’t even remember the city. We were at these massive round tables with giant lazy-susans in the middle that had a bunch of different dishes on them. This one dish was tofu cut into little squares, and they were super soft and squishy. They were kind of spicy? And I just remember thinking it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever eaten. I love tofu now (I’m a vegetarian now and I wasn’t at the time), so I feel like it was kind of my introduction to good tofu haha.

2) What’s your go-to for travel inspiration?

I love looking at fellow bloggers for travel inspiration. A few of my favourites on instagram are: @helloemilie, @gypsea_lust, @doyoutravel, @amberfillerup

3) The most interesting person you’ve met while traveling?

When I was traveling alone in Europe, I frequently ate alone. I was at the Elephant House cafe in Edinburg, Scotland eating at this sad large circular table where the wait staff were putting all the lone travellers. The man across from me looked about in his 50’s-60’s and was writing in a book with papers scattered all around him. I was eating soup and avoiding my water that had dirt flakes in it (I assumed they did this on purpose because a lot of Europe does not like serving you water) and writing in my travel journal. The man complimented my journal and the fact that I was documenting my travels in that way. We ended up talking for the rest of the meal. He was a Scottish man, living in Boston, USA and was back for the 20 year reunion of his University in Edinburgh. He was apart of a Scottish folk band in Boston and I kept thinking he looked like Uncle Monty from A Series of Unfortunate Events the movie. I learnt that he was never married and had no children. He ended up offering me dessert and at the end of the meal paid for my entire tab. Oh, and part way through he noticed my aversion to my water and when I told him shyly about the dirt flakes he looked at it and winced, and ordered “two clean waters” the next time the wait staff came. They may have looked down on a 20-year-old girl with messy hair and mismatched clothes, but they respected a posh man with grey hair and I ended up getting the clean water.

Note: Billy Connolly, the actor from Series of Unfortunate Events also moved to Boston and joined a Scottish Folk band, just saying.

4) Your favourite cheesy road trip sing-along song?

I can’t say I really have a specific “cheesy” road trip. My favourite artist to listen to on the road is Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Some favourites of theirs are “40 Day Dream”, “Janglin”, “”Man on Fire”and “Home”. They’re just a fun band to belt out to and let yourself get lost in.

5) When you started blogging, what were your goals?

I don’t think I really had any haha. I just started blogging as a way to get my thoughts out, kind of like an online diary. I didn’t ever think anyone would read it. I just had fun putting it together and writing little posts.

6) How have those goals changed over time?

I’ve definitely written posts that are less about me and maybe things that apply more to others. A lot of my posts are still very (*cough* egotistic *cough*) much about my life, but  I have definitely branched out what I choose to write about. I guess my goals have just changed from being a diary to something people can relate to more.

7) What’s your favourite way to blog? [Videos, written, photojournal, etc.]

I’d say just written. My blog posts are normally equivalent to word vomit haha. When I’m specifically blogging about traveling I like to include photos, as a big part of traveling for me is capturing moments.

8) What’s one time you’ve gone off the beaten path?

While in Switzerland I let myself get lost a lot. Whether it was in my own town or while I was visiting others. I’d just wander through the streets, down back alleys and into the furthest corners of the city. I never really had a plan of where I was going, I’d just start walking and stop when I found something worth stopping for. I think I’ve carried over this perspective into a lot of my future travels, the idea of getting lost.

9) What’s the next place you plan on traveling to?

I think I’d really like to go to India, or maybe back pack a load in South America. Both are pretty big trips in comparison to anything I’ve done before so it would take a lot more preparation, so we’ll see!

10) What’s the first trip you remember taking?

I travelled quite a bit with my parents when I was little. The first trip I actually remember taking was to Mexico with my family when I was about 14 (?) not sure if that is the actual age.

11) Do you have any secret budget travel tips to share with the world?

Literally none at all. The reason I probably don’t travel more is how horrible I am at finances and budgeting haha. In high school all the spare change, birthday money, etc. went to travelling. I went to China and Switzerland while in highschool, which were both pretty expensive trips for a 16-year-old’s income haha. But basically, my motto is just spend all your money on traveling to the point of bankruptcy (probably not the best advice).


Nominated: I don’t know any one who may particularly like to do this, but if you want to do it, post this to your blog and say that I nominated you hah!

Love always,
Kate

Drafts on Drafts (#2)

Hello Folks,

I’ve had a really hard time writing lately. Any time I come to discuss a topic or my feelings I begin and get about half way through a post before I quit writing, click the ‘save’ button and exit my browser. It reminded me of a blog post I wrote just under a year ago where I discussed the fact that I had 18 drafts just lying in some blogosphere waste land. Well, today I currently have 49. In under a year I have some how managed to muster up 31 more drafts. So, in the name of resurrecting lost posts, I’d like to do a ‘drafts on drafts’ 2.0.


Little Life Update: Life Is Messy, 06/03/2017

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything and I started feeling guilty about it. I write much better when I’m upset and creating when I’m happy has been proving to be more difficult than I thought.


To, 10/02/2017

Dear Depressed Me,


A Letter To My Little Sister (And Others Leaving High School to Pursue Post Secondary), 03/02/2017

Hello Little Sis,

As you know, I’ve felt an over whelming amount of love towards school since going back to Carleton and entering the Women and Gender Studies program. I know you’re considering post-secondary and a lot of your friends are too


Just Kate, 30/01/2017

Hello Folks,

I’m currently procrastinating studying for a test I have tomorrow so after checking twitter, instagram, snapchat, the works, I landed on my blog. The last hope for my procrastination.


Little Life Update: Self Love, 17/01/2017

Hello Folks,

I wanted to blab a little bit about my what I call “self love”.

I’ve spent my whole life re-evaluating and readjusting how I saw myself. As a child, I remember having no opinion. My hair was long and stringy, my mother often dressed me in fun outfits that I sometimes deemed questionable, but wore regardless, because how I dressed ultimately didn’t matter to me.


What It’s Actually Like Removing A Toxic Person From Your Life, 11/01/2017

Hi Folks,

I spent most of my life believing that you must make compromises with the company that surround your life. That if people treat you badly, don’t respect you, or generally lower the quality of your life that you must put up with their actions and short comings because they are in your life for a reason.


Surviving, Thriving and Everything In-between, 04/12/2016

Hello Folks,

I’ve spent a lot of today thinking about the word sonder. Sonder; n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.


A Letter To The People Stuck Between High School and So-Called Adulthood, 26/10/2016

Hello there,

I know that right now is a really tough time. You’ve finished high school, maybe you’re working trying to figure out your next move, maybe you’re in post-secondary and questioning every day if you’ve made the right choice, or maybe you’ve already graduated and feel like you’re floating between school and “real life”. I am here to tell you that it’s going to be ok. I’ll even go on step further and tell you why.


Mindless Living, 02/10/2016

Hello Folks,

Do you ever find you’re living your life in something that almost resembles a trance? Like you’ve gotten so sucked into a routine that you don’t even really know if you’re trying anymore?


Figuring Stuff Out, 07/09/2016

Hello Folks,

I think I’m a very introspective person, perhaps too much so. I’m constantly evaluating my own mental and emotional processes, trying to stumble upon some clue that may lead me to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing here.


Taking Chances, 07/09/2016

Hello Folks,

I read something on the internet the other day that I haven’t been able to get out of my mind. It said:

“1. Make a list of things that make you happy
2. Make a list of the things you do every day
3. Compare the lists
4. Adjust accordingly”

I don’t know why this struck me so much, but I haven’t been able to shake it. From reading my blog, it’s pretty apparent I’m not happy where I am. A lot of days (like today) feel wasted over pent up frustration about my job and going no where.


Knowing When Is Enough, 24/09/2016

Hello Folks,

Today marks one horrid year since I returned to my fast food job. Last April I said my goodbyes and quit for what I thought would be forever.


Anyways, I just find it interesting to look back on the posts I started and never finished. I always wonder why I didn’t continue them. If I got bored, if I was unsatisfied with the way the post was turning out, etc. No matter the reason, it’s always interesting to go back and breathe some life back into old posts.

Love always,
Kate

How I Remain Positive

Hello Folks,

I don’t know what it’s been lately, maybe it’s the news or the weather but everything has felt generally negative. People seem more rude than normal and it doesn’t feel like any one puts in an effort to be nice to strangers anymore.

As you all know, I recently enrolled back at Carleton, and honestly I’ve been loving it. People ask me quite frequently (I think out of courtesy) how I’m liking school again so far and I always say I’m absolutely in love with my program, and I am. My professors are wonderful, the topics are engaging and I generally like my assignments as well.

The only thing I’ve had a problem with at school is other students. I can go a whole day at school without one person even making eye contact with me and I find that so bizarre. I know they say that millennials are always on their phones and connected through cyber space but not the actual space they are existing in, and it’s true. If we aren’t on our phones avoiding eye contact, we’re just looking the other way. It’s so strange how unable to interact with other people we are as a generation.

I’m sure some people reading this are like “thank god we’re like that, I hate when people stare at me”, but maybe there are also people out there like me who miss and value human interaction.

So here is what I do every day (mainly at school) to remain positive:

1) I make eye contact and smile at at least 1 person a day. It’s a small goal, but there’s something about seeing the look in someones eyes when they weren’t expecting anyone to be friendly towards them that day. It sounds sooo cheesy but I promise you it’s weirdly rewarding.

2) I think about how genuinely blessed I am to be in school. Again, so cheesy. After discussing with some fellow McDonald’s coworkers the other day, we decided that nothing makes you get your shit together faster than working full-time at McDonald’s. If you’re ever feeling ungrateful for your education, take a year off, work 6am-2pm shifts, Monday to Friday at McDonald’s and I promise you when you return to school the next year you’ll be begging to go to class.

3) Try to make friends. I have talked to and gotten aquatinted with at least one person in every one of my classes. Honestly, nothing makes a class go by faster than having someone to discuss the topic with and to make small talk with on the breaks. It makes time feel like it’s going by a lot faster and is also a hell of a lot less lonely.

4) I hold doors open for people. Always. If there is anyone behind me I hold it open. I don’t just push it really hard so it stays open for the next person. No. I take the 30 seconds out of my day to hold the door open for the person behind me. And guess what? I also smile at them when I do it.

5) On a similar note, I say thank you to every person who holds a door open for me. Even though most of them don’t look back to see who they’re actually holding a door open for, as soon as I say “thank you” they usually turn around and say “you’re welcome”. Such a simple way to value people’s efforts.

Anyways, I know these sounds so basic and simplistic but it’s astonishing how little effort people put into human interactions now a days. I know I probably sound like your grand mother who also doesn’t trust cell phones and thinks selfies are the most vain thing in human history even though she doesn’t bat and eye at how long it probably look the portraits of the Queen to be painted. Long winded example but you get my point 😉

My point is, sometimes being surrounded by tons of people who are putting off tons of negative energy can be really defeating, but it’s really easy to become that random act of kindness for someone who otherwise may have been having a shitty day, which in turn might may your day a little brighter too.

Love always,
Kate

Why I Continue to Write Dark & Twisty Things

Hello Folks,

While I appreciate and will forever be thankful to the multiple people who have reached out to me in regards to the content of my posts, I’d like to state that my posts are not a cry for help.

I began my blog over two years ago and from the beginning shared my raw, unfiltered feelings. I used my blog as a place to share my emotions, experiences and memories in writing for me to reflect on at a later date. I’m not sure why I ever chose to share my blog with family and friends, but I did, and I understand that comes with repercussions.

I always enjoyed reading blogs that you could tell came straight from the author’s heart. They weren’t edited with the messy pieces of their life being left out. They shared how their day sucked and how things don’t always work out the way you plan and it made me feel relieved that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. With so many people’s lives seeming picture perfect on Instagram, etc, it was nice to know that there was real emotions and trials underneath it all.

My biggest fear is that I will no longer be able to post what I like writing about. My dark twisty thoughts may be troubling to read, but I know that some people relate to them, and if I can make even one person feel less alone than I’ve accomplished something. If it upsets you, then I kindly suggest that maybe my blog isn’t for you, and that you seek out other reading material for your spare time.

My blog isn’t only gloomy content either, I like to share monthly playlists, house decor updates, travel diaries, concert stories and more. When it comes down to it though, my blog has no structure or schedule, I post what I want, when I feel like it, and if it happens to be ranting my emotions, then that’s what it will be.

I do apologize to the people that I’ve upset with my posts up to this point. Not everyone is how they seem, and although I feel like I’m a pretty open book I know that maybe some of the content of my posts have surprised people, especially due to the blunt and honest nature of my writing. But on that note, I will no longer apologize for posting what I wish to get off my chest. Consider this post a *trigger warning* for the depressing content of future posts haha.

Love always,
Kate

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Apartment Inspo For Future Makeover

Hello Folks,

So I don’t think I’ve said it on my blog yet, but I’m MOVING! Only a couple of blocks away and still in Ottawa, but still! It’s literally my dream apartment (for Ottawa). It has beautiful white walls, a spacious layout, a balcony, lots of closet space. Sure, it’s not exposed brick in NYC or sea side on one of the coasts, but it’ll do.

If you looked at my apartment “reveal” like ages back you’ll see that it’s a nice mix of random furniture gifted to me and Ryan from our parents basements haha. It has major 70’s vibes with our green leather furniture and the multitude of different wood tones.

With a new apartment, I see new opportunities and I’ve planned a little make over for some of our current furniture to make this apartment a little less 70’s and a little more homey.

Here’s the current plan in place:

  1. The Living Room

IMG_2728Although our living room looks a little different from this photo that was taken last September, not that much has changed. It’s hard to tell with the darkness of this photo, but the wooden credenza with the (not so) lovely brown ceramic top is not the same wood as the stereo or either of the side tables (that are not seen in this photo). My plan is to re-stain the credenza because although you can’t see it’s front in this photo, the wood is faded in many places and has yellow undertones that I’d like to see gone. I also plan on finding some sort of tiling or peel and stick wallpaper type thing that can cover the top. The brown ceramic is really stuck on their so our best option is to just cover it. If I can’t find any of the materials that I’m looking for, I may just end up painting it white and also buying new handles as the current ones are faded brass.

The stereo is hopefully being brought back to Ryan’s parents as we never use it and it’s currently taking up precious apartment space. So that takes out some of the wood in the room as well.

Unfortunately the sofa and lazy boy are staying for now, but I bought a tapestry that works with the tones in the sofa that I also think will look fab against some white walls. I haven’t put it up in our current apartment yet because the wall behind the couch is cement and nothing really hangs on it, but I already have the perfect spot picked out for it to hang in our new apartment.

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This is the tapestry. You can buy it here.

I plan to finally buy some pillows for our couch but it’s so hard to accessorize an already poofy couch (that is also green) haha. For now I’m just trying to find pieces that work with our current furniture, but that will also look good with things once we can ditch the green and can afford something nicer.

Our new living room is a lot bigger and more of an L shape than a rectangle, so we’re fortunate that our “dining room” and “living room” will no longer need to be 2 inches from each other. Which brings me to…

2. The Dining Room

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Our “dining room” still essentially looks the same as it did in this photo. Except there is a different vase on the table and that empty frame is no longer there and a framed quote is now hanging on the wall. My plan for the dining room is fairly simple and not a lot will really change. We bought an area rug for the living room but it doesn’t go with the sofa and chair as much as I hoped it might. So my plan is to move it so it’s under the dining room table and get a medium to dark grey table cloth to cover this horrible fake wood table (did I mention it was free and that’s the only reason we’ve held on to it?). The spot in our new apartment is a little square area off the kitchen/living room so I think the rug will fit in perfectly, and the table cloth will hopefully disguise the table and compliment the rug. Can you tell I’m really trying to hide/get rid of all the wood? haha

Our bedroom will pretty much stay the same as all my furniture is white and pretty versatile. We recently got a new duvet cover since Ryan fell asleep eating a popsicle on my favourite old one haha. I find that nothing quite livens up a bedroom like new bedding, so that mixed with some new accessories, and if there’s enough space in our new bedroom a *make up table!!*. I’ve wanted somewhere specifically to do my makeup and get ready for ages, so hopefully if this bedroom has enough space I may be able to sneak a little desk/table in there!


So now that you’ve heard my plans, here are some photos from Pinterest that I’m stealing my inspiration from.

 

I don’t really know why I’m sharing all this because it’s pretty much irrelevant to anyone who isn’t me or Ryan (who also doesn’t really care haha), but I always love reading about make overs so I thought someone might too. If you have any suggestions let me know! I’ll also post photos once we’re all moved in and we can see if any of these ideas came true.

Love always,
Kate