My Little Updates

Little Life Update: Self Reflection

Hey,

I’ve been doing a ton of self reflection lately and I found this neat list of 50 questions to ask someone if you’d really like to get to know them, so I thought, hey, why not just answer them myself because I’m vain and I’ve had quite a few new followers lately so this can be their chance to get to know me a little bit as well. So without further a due.


1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

I’ve had a really rocky relationship with one of my parents since I was a teen and I was put through a lot of really unfortunate situations as a result that were far beyond my years. I think it allowed me to mature quicker, but also realize that just because people are blood,  it doesn’t mean they’re allowed to hurt you.

2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I think the toughest situations I’ve been in have only given me an excuse to better myself, so nothing really comes to mind.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

My bed, in a baggy t-shirt, with my kitty cuddled up next to me. Which is exactly what’s going on right now haha.

4. Where is your favourite place to escape to?

My home town. Which I think is kind of the opposite of how most people feel. Going home to me is always like a little holiday. I can ignore my phone, I have no where to be, I don’t have to go to school. I can just enjoy time with family and friends and be as off the grid as I’d like.

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?

This may be a cheap answer, but my whole family has done such an incredible job of influencing me in the best ways. I’ve been so fortunate to grow up with a small army of powerful women. I’ve learnt to value strength and independence over lust and co-dependency and I think that’s so important.

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

I would really like to be more independent. It almost feels silly to say because I live alone and I function so much on a daily basis by myself. But I find I rely on the confirmation of others while making decisions and I think having more trust in myself would be a good thing. It’s something I’m working on.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

I would write letters to everyone that I love, eat some pho and play with my cat. That would be my whole day.

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

One that hasn’t happened yet. I guess if I had to choose, the 80’s. I like their music and films. Young John Cusack, hello.

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

My sister, hands down. I think mainly because we are so similar, but she’s stronger than me in so many ways. She brings out the best parts of me and spending time with her is just like spending time with a real-life version of my subconscious, in the way that I feel no sense of judgement or expectations. I’m just fully my unfiltered self and I think that’s really neat.

10. Who is the one person in the world that knows you best?

Sydney. Arguably she knows me too well hahahah. I have to start so many messages to her with “this is super nasty but…”. She’s my soul mate best friend and I trust her with my life.

11. What is your favourite quality about your best friend?

That she’s wonderfully outspoken. She speaks about what she believes in and doesn’t allow anyone to walk all over her. I really admire her passion and dedication towards the issues that are important to her.

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

A mum.

13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?

Tina Belcher, hands down. She’s the perfect mix of confident, awkward and down right strange. And she likes butts and zombies so we’re essentially the same person.

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14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?

I enjoy compliments from like a significant other type-of-person because I feel like I depend on affirmation haha. But it makes me really awkward to receive compliments from people I’m not close with.

15. Is your favourite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?

Non-physical.

16. What is your favourite physical attribute about yourself?

My forearms. They’re covered in the cutest little freckles and I just love it.

17. What is your favourite non-physical attribute about yourself?

I’m very introspective and I think it’s allowed me to be a better friend, family member, girlfriend, etc.

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Of course.

19. Do you believe in soul mates?

A little bit less so lately, but ultimately, yes.

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?

Far too seriously. My ex used to always make fun of me because I believe in magic and mermaids and all that stuff, and one time I read my horoscope on the bus and it said that my plans were going to get cancelled and I was bummed because I had plans to see a flick with two of my friends. So I ended up making it to the movies and we had just gotten our food and I told my friend how my horoscope said my plans would get cancelled so I was happy neither of them called to bail and we laughed, and we sit down in the theatre and I kid you not we just finished getting comfortable and the fire alarms went off in the building and we had to evacuate. So, I take them pretty seriously.

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?

I think I’ve experienced love-like feelings 3 times. But my memories fade fast sadly, and so after I haven’t been dating someone for a while it’s hard for me to say if it really was love, because I so quickly forget how my feelings towards that person felt.

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?

Their mind. That’s super general, but I think I fall in love with people’s passions, the things they get excited to talk about, the parts of themselves they are the most proud of.

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?

I think vulnerability is just being honest. Providing someone with an unfiltered version of yourself. As soon as someone starts talking about their relationship with their parents I get weepy and that’s probably the quickest path to making me vulnerable.

24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?

I don’t really think I’m scared per se, but I would like to ask men in general why the fuck they suck so much. Honestly, I’m horrendously disappointed in the male species. I think I’ve come off as an angry feminist a lot in this post, it’s actually just because my love-life sucks and I’m bitter haha.

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you would do?

I’d apologize to my mother, for having grown me inside of her for 10 months, only for me to exit her womb with more rights than her.

26. What do you find most attractive about each sex?

I like men’s shoulders. There’s something about freckled shoulders that make me just want to snuggle up to them and smother them with kisses. I feel like that’s a super odd thing to say, but it’s a bit of a weakness of mine.

I find women’s eyes really intriguing. I think because women tend to wear make up more and can accentuate their eyes as well.

27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?

I’d love to learn more about nutrition. Mainly because I honestly think I’m malnourished. I have such a horrid diet it’s actually awful. I’m a vegetarian but an absolute shit one. Sometimes I think I should start eating meat again but then I remember the only meat I really liked purchasing was beef jerky and hot dogs so then I decide not to. But ya, I’d really like to learn more about nutrition, having a balanced diet, etc.

28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to?

I’ve always wanted to drive a motorcycle.

29. Why haven’t you done it?

Well I don’t have my motorcycle license. But! I think I may get it in the spring! So it’s a work in progress.

30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?

A midwife. Which is what I’m on my path to now. So we’ll see.

31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?

Well, I only worked til 6pm today and I spent the rest of my evening blogging and watching youtube videos, so probably something similar to that.

32. What was the last thing to make you cry?

It makes me angry that I even have to say this, but it was a boy. I was re-reading past messages I had received from him like a sad melodramatic teen in a rom-com and I had myself a little cry. But then I wiped my tears and told myself that he’s a sociopath and I moved on with my life.

33. What was the last thing to make you laugh?

Oh my god. This thing on twitter.

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34. What is your favourite memory?

I don’t think it’s happened yet.

35. What’s the last thing that really embarrassed you?

Honestly, probably something that happened the last time I was drunk. I can’t tell you exactly what it was, but I know that’s when I tend to embarrass myself. I’m a very touchy, honest drunk and I know I get myself in some predicaments. So probably sometime then.

36. What is your biggest fear?

That I am infertile. I know it seems like a silly thing, but I’ve dreamt of being a mother for so long, it would absolutely crush me.

37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?

I have three regrets in my life time.

The first, is that when I was at the Eiffel Tower in Paris, a boy approached me and I swear to you he was a vision sent by the universe straight from my subconscious. He was my dream boy. He smiled at me and I genuinely looked behind me to see if there was anyone there because he was far too put together and handsome to be looking my way. He ended up approaching me and chatting for a while and I never got his name and I’ve regretted it ever since.

Secondly, is that I didn’t allow my mum and her late partner to have more time together. I was an incredibly selfish pre-teen and I think because my dad was quite neglectful I didn’t want my mother’s time to be on other people as well. I know I gave her a hard time over how much time she spent with him, but looking back, I wish I would have encouraged her to enjoy herself more. It’s nothing I can take back, but if I could, I would.

Thirdly, is that I filled myself with so much destructive self-hatred in my teen years, that honestly up until recently had really effected my self-esteem. I was a super confident youngster, but like I said, I greatly depend on the opinion of others and when people in high school made fun of my boobs and things like that, it made me incredibly self-conscious. I just wish I could go back in time and shake myself and say “Katie, you are perfect just the way you are, don’t listen to anyone.”

38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t, what is one law you’d love to break?

I mean, I j-walk every day.

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

I went bungee jumping once, that was fun. I also backpacked by myself for 5 weeks in Europe. It’s a fairly safe place to go I think but some people questioned my decision.

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?

Ya of course, I literally talk to strangers all the time. (Sorry mum, clearly I didn’t learn the most basic rules from childhood – although the public chatter gene does seem to be hereditary).

41. Would you tell a stranger that have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress is tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)?

I mean, of course. Just last week I was on the bus and this man’s fly was down and really open, but I think he thought I was checking him out and he gave me a weird look so I just thought to myself “fine, let the jerk walk around with his fly down”. But if he hadn’t given me the low brow, I would have told him to spare him any further embarrassment.

42. What’s your favourite joke?

Oh gosh, I don’t really think I have one.

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?

If my instagram is any indication, I’m a cat person. I talk about and photograph my cat Posie far, far too much.

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

A cat I think. Just because you literally spend your whole day napping, you don’t give a shit about anyone and you still have the whole internet going crazy over your kind. It’s sort of magical if you think about it.

45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

I really enjoy adult cartoons. My favourites are Rick & Morty, Bob’s Burgers, Bo Jack Horseman, Young Justice and South Park. I usually don’t tell people.

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?

That’s a good question. Selfish-af? Not really problematic? I think generally ok haha.

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would that be?

I would go back to when I was 14 years old. I would hug my poppa, Doc, and my grandma. Basically just soak up time with all my favourite people who were taken from me too soon. I would tell them all I love them and create more memories with them then I have now.

I would also tell myself to learn to love myself before letting anyone else love me. I think that’s important too.

48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?

Equality. This was just meant to be a sassy answer, but I’m also not really joking, yikes.

49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?

I don’t really know if I’m capable of a unique thought. There isn’t anything about me that is inherently unique.

50. What’s one thing you feel your life is missing?

Family. I have no family in the city I’m living in and I honestly miss it constantly. I also can’t wait to have a family of my own. I yearn for family in many different ways haha.


I hope you enjoyed these 50 questions/answers. I know some of my answers are probably a little bizarre, but I started this post at 8:30pm and it is now 1:50am so my answers have gotten a little bit more obscure the further I dived into the dark hole that is youtube. I watched a lot of Graham Norton clips. I hope you all had a lovely weekend, until next time…

Love always,
Kate

Little Life Update: Being Someone Who is Sad – Not a Sad Person

Hello Folks,

Sometimes I hate my intro, but I think I’ve grown too accustomed to starting all posts like that so I feel obligated to. It does help me from having to think of a creative way to dive into a post. If I didn’t have it I think all my posts would start with some nonsensical rambling like this. Sigh. Anyways.

I think my years worth of posts have made it quite evident that depression is something I have experienced, in waves, throughout my life time. I’ve never been able to pin-point what brings it on, or when it started and I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to come closer to a conclusion.

I know that a staggering amount of women experience depression and suicidal thoughts as a result of the birth control pill, and having started the pill when I was about 15, similarly around the time I started feeling these bouts of depression, I thought that maybe that could have been it. I discontinued the use of my birth control in the summer, and instantly I noticed my mood swings go away. I thought my depression had gone away too, until recently.

Sometimes I think it may be from an overbearing amount of emotional stimulation. I tend to feel everything arguably too deeply. Having recently gone through a break up from my boyfriend of almost 4 years, it was safe to say I was really sad. We lived together, technically still live together, and seeing each other so often can obviously be hard. It’s difficult to be sad about something ending, happy you’re still friends, but confused on what seeing them every day means.

I think my whole life I’ve always analyzed everything, every interaction, every thought, every possible outcome of a situation and obviously this can become very draining. On top of the emotional rollercoaster I consider myself to be on, I think it’s just become too much.

It’s just scary to think because I wanted to blame birth control. I didn’t want to be a sad person, I just wanted to be a person who had sad thoughts because they were on this pill that had those results as a side effect. It’s a little over whelming in itself to come to that conclusion. That something inside of your brain is wired in a way that just makes you feel sad. That makes you want to push the people you love away from you. It’s like turning over in bed at night and wishing so badly the other person would grab you back, even though you were the one to turn over in the first place.

I try to remind myself everything that is going really well. I repeat to myself the things that are making me happy. The changes in my life that I’m amidst of. The things I’m doing right now that will pay off in the future. But it can be so friggen difficult. It’s hard to know if you’re ever doing the right thing, if being in school again is even worth it. What if I fail my classes? What if I’m not smart enough? What if I don’t get into midwifery? I can’t go back to working full-time at a brain-numbing job. I can’t. So I push forward into so much unknown it nearly makes me sick.

I wish I was excited by the unknown. I wish I could jump head first into it and be excited by it’s mystery. But I’m not. I like a solid ground to walk upon, I like to know what to expect next. Being rational isn’t exactly as sexy as being spontaneous, unfortunately.

I’ve tried to shift my perspective. That my bouts of depression aren’t a character flaw, but more so something that I occasionally have to go through. It just sucks because I can feel my self projecting my emotions onto those around me and I always worry that they don’t see it this way. They don’t see it as an opportunity to get closer to me by comforting me, but instead as a nuisance in their life, by being a dark cloud on their otherwise sunny day. I just don’t want to be the sad girl in anyones life. I don’t want to be the sad girl in my own life.

Kate

Little Life Update: Milestones & The Women’s March

Hello Folks,

I just wanted to write a quick little thing. Today I hit 50 followers on my blog! I know this doesn’t seem like a lot and I really don’t focus on things like my following because I truly only write to vent and for nothing more, but I still thought it was pretty neat to think 50 people have been following me along on this journey.

On another note, I’ve been enjoying all the posts, tweets, articles, etc. about the Women’s March’s across the world today. Although there are always the oppressors and the trolls, I think it’s safe to say there are so many more allies. So proud of all the Women (however you identify) and allies who marched today. Here are a few of my favourite signs I’ve seen:

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Shared by @Sarcasticluther on Twitter

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Shared by @Emilygbrown on Twitter

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Shared by @ddale8 on Twitter

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Shared by @iElanaojeda1 on Twitter

I hope you’re all enjoying your Saturday and had the opportunity to participate in a women’s march in your area or the conversation that is happening online world wide. We may be taking baby steps, but at least we’re moving forward.

Love always,
Kate

Little Life Update: Changes

Hello Folks,

I come bearing exciting news! I’m going back to school!

I know I’ve talked about it here and there, but through some unexpected circumstances, I’m actually going back next semester!

My long-term goal is to eventually go to school for Midwifery, but because the acceptance rate is so low I knew that I’d need to improve my academic resume if I wanted to get accepted. Through some research I slowly figured out that most people getting accepted held bachelor’s degrees before being accepted into the program. With a year already under my belt at Carleton, I started looking into going back. I e-mailed the Carleton admissions office and found out that because four years hadn’t passed yet since my first year at Carleton, that I’m technically still a student. Unfortunately, my place at Carleton would expire if I didn’t go back during the winter semester and I’d be forced to reapply through the OUAC system, which also meant repaying all the fees. After talking to friends, family and my boyfriend I decided it would be smarter to go back now and save myself all the trouble of paperwork, fees, etc. later.

I’m still ironing out all the details, but I’ve registered for my courses so come January 2017 I’ll be back at Carleton! I know everything will work itself out but as of right now I’m a little stressed out figuring out all the logistics. Wish me luck!

That’s all I really have to report on for now – so any old Carleton friends of mine, see you around campus soon!

Love always,
Kate

Little Life Updates: I’m Ok, Really

Hello Folks,

I’ve spent the last year thinking about dying. Thinking about why I think about dying. It’s confusing and painful and some times the thoughts feel so intrusive, like they aren’t thoughts of mine but ones that someone else is implanting in my mind for me.

In my last post I mentioned feeling suicidal and I’m thankful for the people who reached out to me (and my mother) after it was posted, but it got me thinking. I have some clarification I need to do. I was wrong, I’m not suicidal, because that may imply that 1) I want to end my life and 2) I have tried to end my life. Neither are true. I have come to the conclusion that my “suicidal thoughts” are not exactly that, but a desire to no longer exist, to no longer have to live my specific life.

I know it’s selfish to say, or even think. When it comes down to it, I’m very thankful for the opportunities that I’ve been given and I know that I live a very privileged life. My biggest struggles come from money and my own sanity, but as far as food, water, shelter and material goods, I’m extremely grateful.

Most of my resentment towards my own life lies with my mental state, which if you’ve been following me for a while, you know wavers constantly. Just today I was looking through old posts in an attempt to recategorized and organize them, and it was funny to see the back and forth between feeling like things were finally looking up, and feeling extremely dreary.

I just wanted to let anyone who’s been wondering know that I’m ok. Sometimes I get mad at my brain because it feels like it’s natural state is sadness. Normal people get to start each day with a blank state of emotions, with sadness, happiness, anger, etc. being added as they experience situations throughout the day. I feel like I’m broken in the way that my day starts with an off set of sadness, and I have to actively seek things that cause me happiness, and draw it out of the smallest situations, instead of that emotion coming to me naturally.

That might not make any sense, but it’s the best way I can find to describe it. What I’m trying to say, is that yes, I may be sad, but I’m ok, because the way I feel isn’t in direct correlation to something that has happened to me, but just how my mind chooses to start each day. I’m learning to live with my rain cloud, one day at a time, and I hope soon that instead of getting soaked, I can feel as though I’m dancing in the rain.

Love always,
Kate

Little Life Update: Diagnostics And Kijiji

Hello Folks,

A little old fashioned life update here. I’m feeling like myself again lately (aka. not a cranky miserable piece of soggy toast). This is possibly going to be the cheesiest thing I’ve ever written on my blog so brace yourselves, but I think I found my calling.

Ok, so maybe that’s a tad bit dramatic and way too soon to tell, but I’ve been reconsidering going back to school lately and have really been looking into the health field. I considered nursing, and although it was my best idea I had come up with in a while, it still didn’t quite feel right. I had discussed this idea with my friend Chloe who told me aside from being a mother, she always pictured me as a nurse. I was at her house the other day when mid conversation I rudely blurted out “Do you have to do nursing to become a midwife?”, to which me told me that she didn’t think so, but that the course is extremely competitive.

The next day I spent hours researching the program, the prerequisites, the universities that offer the program, the application process, the acceptance rate, etc. I just wanted to know everything I could. Here is what I found: only three universities in Ontario offer the program, you can only apply to one per year or your application is disqualified, 75 people per university are called for interviews and of those only 30 are accepted for each university.

So it’s safe to say it will be a lot harder to get in than anything I’ve ever applied to before. And don’t worry – I’m prepared for this to be a long process which may take years to be accepted. Luckily all my university and college marks exceed their set minimum average, and I have (almost all) the high school requirements… except one. Stinking grade 12 biology… so guess who’s going back to high school?! This gal! Ok maybe that’s a slight over exaggeration. I am in the process of registering for grade 12 biology though! Luckily they have an online option, so I can do it from home and relatively at my own schedule.

I can genuinely say I have not been this excited about anything for a while. It just feels like a wonderful refreshing new start. On the topic of new starts, I’ve begun selling all my furniture on kijiji again. I swear I have an addiction. I sold my book shelf yesterday and am in the process of selling my dining room table. If only I could sell my hideous green leather couch and matching lazy boy… might take a lot more convincing from Ryan before I can finally kick those ugly 70’s pieces to the curb haha.

For now, this gal is feeling a lot better. My moods go up and down, but this last week has been the longest I’ve consecutively felt happy in a while. It may also have to do with this horrible nightmare I had at the end of last week where a ghost told me to stop wanting to die or someone else would take over my body? Yikes! I really would like my own personal dream analyst sometimes…

For now, I have my little kitty sleeping beside me with her precious squished face, I have Tim Hortons smiley face cookies I’m about to enjoy, and my lovely boyfriend got an unexpected long stay at home, so I’m beyond happy.

Love always,
Kate

Little Life Update: I’m Doing Fine

Hello Folks,

I wanted to let anyone know who’s been worried about me that I’m sorry, and that I’m ok. I know that through my posts for the last little while I’ve come off mildly depressed at best. I’m not saying that it’s not true, because I have been in a bit of a slump as of late.

I’ve thought about packing it all in and giving up and coming home to Liskeard. I know in my heart it’s not what I want (other than to see my family more, that would be a dream). But there’s even less job opportunities in Liskeard than there is in Ottawa, so I know I just need to push through this period of my life and everything will be ok.

I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful support system in Ottawa filled with people who have my best interest at heart, which makes everything I’m feeling a lot easier to process.

Also, this past week has presented me with new opportunities that I’m so excited to see how they unfold in the future. A fellow student of the Event Management program referenced me for a job as an administrative assistant and I started pretty much right away! I now work two jobs, 6-2 at McDonald’s and 4-? at JH Productions, the company I’m now working for. I’m exhausted by the end of the day, and I have a lot less time to do personal things, but hopefully soon I’ll get a bit more of a set schedule with my assistant job and I can develop a new routine. I’m really excited to be getting this experience and of course the extra hours and money haha.

I hope to still find a full-time job that is a tad bit more related to my field, or a second part time job at least so I can rid McDonald’s once and for all. Until I find another job that has more stable hours, I’ll still be at McDonald’s, but hopefully my good luck continues and it won’t be for much longer!

As much as I hate the actual work, the uniform, the greasy surroundings and of course the early mornings, I’m going to miss the people once I (eventually) leave. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be there, but I’ll make the most of my time right now.

I just want everyone to know that I’m fine and that everything will only get better from here.

Love always,
Kate