My Life

Red Flags

I read an article about how virgo’s handle breakups yesterday, it said: “you look for some Greater Meaning in everything – methodically analyzing every move trying to learn from it. You vacillate between crying your eyes out or thanking your lucky stars the universe hath delivered you from this fuck boy. You continue to go through old message history looking for red flags after the fact, convinced if you could only find the turning point it would bring you some closure.”

So that’s what I decided to do. I scrolled back to the beginning, to January 27th, in hopes of gaining some closure, to finally find the answers to the questions I had been asking myself periodically since things ended.

Really, I think I just wanted to see what everyone else had told me, that he wasn’t as good as I thought for a long time. That the distance had started forming before I was able to see it myself, because I was so busy making excuses that I didn’t see what was happening right in front of me.

So I scrolled for what felt like forever and began to indulge myself in the history of our digital relationship. On February 12th he quoted a lyric from a jazz song he liked and it went “I fall in love, too easily. I fall in love, too fast. I fall in love, too terribly hard, for love to ever last”. I didn’t know it then, but that summed us up perfectly. We happened too fast and too terribly hard for anything to ever last.

I hadn’t even got to the part of our conversation where we were anything but friends before I was drained and frankly bored, so I decided to turn in for the night. I told myself I’d come back to it in the morning, finish my detective work then. But I woke up with a nasty swirling pit in my stomach and a general feeling of unease. I looked at our conversation and just felt utterly exhausted. Before embarrassingly accidentally sending something in our conversation, I finally took his advice. I deleted our conversation and I blocked him. And now we can both go on living like the other person doesn’t exist.

I was searching for some profound reason that all of this happened. That someone who I thought was so wonderful could have deceived me and how I allowed myself to be such an idiot and fall for it. The thing is, I could say that the reason all of this happened is to teach me to not be so vulnerable and naive. Or it could not even be about me. He mentioned how his views on marriage changed for the better through talking to me, so maybe the reason he came into my life had nothing to do with me – but more to do with how he’ll change for the next, or final girl in his life. Or maybe there is no reason at all.

Sometimes I think you need to let your heart reach it’s full capacity of hurting until it’s ever going to get better. Maybe it’s torture, I mean it’s certainly not healthy. Maybe it’s a virgo thing, or maybe it’s just a Kate thing. But that’s what I told myself when I started this scavenger hunt for the clues of how everything went sour. But somewhere between last night and this afternoon I realized I don’t need to know. Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, or maybe it was just us together.

I heard a quote on a television show once and it said: “You know, it’s funny; when you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags”.

So this is me. Taking off my rose-coloured glasses, ignoring the trail of firmly planted red flags behind me, and finally admitting that maybe neither of us did anything wrong, we just happened too fast, and too hard, for love to ever last.

One of the Sweetest Things I’ve Ever Received

i’m filled with hate
that i can’t hold in
yet there you are
ready to listen

i’ve been a fool
for a better part of my life
and here you are
trying to open my eyes

who needs to be sad
with so many fortunes right here
there’s no reason not to be happy
in this world of fear

life’s what you make it
or so i’ve been told
so make it the best
before we grow old

the future is far enough
so don’t think too hard
the fun we have now
will lay down the cards

you can’t pick and choose
the things life throws
so catch them
and use them
with experience we grow

thank you for this
what was once blurry is clear
i’m not sure how happy i’d be
if you weren’t here

for a pessimist
i’m looking pretty optimistic right now
it’s actually quite hard
to find my old frown

they can try to rain on this parade
but it’s been raining all along
it’s ok I brought my umbrella
i call it kate armstrong

r.b.

Camera Gear

Hello Folks,

I just wanted to write a quick post on all the camera gear I use. I don’t post much of my photography on my blog, but I do tend to include photographs in travel posts so incase anyone is ever curious what I shoot with.


Cameras

1. Canon EOS 70D

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2. Ricoh KR-5

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3. Polaroid 600 Red Stripe

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4. Fujifilm Instax Mini 8

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Lenses

1. Canon EF 75-300mm f/4-5.6

2. Canon EF 50mm f/1.8

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Love always,
Kate

Welcome 2017

Hello Folks,

Another year has come and gone and although collectively, it doesn’t feel like much has changed in the last year, I know that a lot has. I think that 2016 has been a write off for most of the western world, with the deaths of many beloved celebrities, as well as the unfortunate win of Donald Trump for the United States presidency.

In my own life there has also been changes, good and bad, to name a few:
– My warrior of a grandmother ended her battle with lung cancer and a number of other health complications at the incredible age of 89
– I became a pet owner to the smallest, fluffiest source of happiness I’ve ever known
– After over a full year of working 6am shifts at McDonald’s and brainstorming constantly, I’ve decided to go back to school, finish my bachelor’s and apply to midwifery
– Me and Ryan moved to a new apartment that is better in every way possible (eek so in love)
– I made loads of new friends at McDonald’s and I’m so thankful every day for those people, for getting me through one of the most mentally draining year of my life, and making a greasy restaurant feel like home
– I went on a spontaneous trip to New York with my big sissy (which I’ve still meant to blog about, oops)
– I crossed bungee jumping off my bucket list, thanks to the help of my big sissy yet again

Just a few things that happened for me this year! Moving forward, I wanted to make a list of 10 New Year’s resolutions like I did last year, but decided that maybe just focusing on one big one was a better idea.

My 2017 New Year’s Resolution: To Live In The Moment

This sounds super vague and horribly stereotypical but hear me out. I admittedly have a horrible addiction to technology. Any down time I have I’m on my phone scrolling through Facebook, twitter, instagram and once I’ve exhausted all those feeds I just re-start and refresh. It’s horrible and I’m constantly filling my mind with useless content and unattainable expectations of other peoples life styles. Last night I decided to give myself a couple minutes to scroll through Facebook, and if I saw any quality content worth staying on the app for, then I wouldn’t delete it. I can truthfully say after scrolling for about 3 minutes I had made up my mind. I went to the settings and deactivated my account. Facebook can be useful for certain things: getting updates on people’s lives, receiving invites to events, connecting with old friends you wouldn’t be able to contact otherwise. For me though, the cons greatly outweighed the pros. My family and important friends are aware of (and tell me they read lol) my blog, so I will actively be posting to my blog with more little life updates including photos and such for them to keep up with the more important parts of my day-to-day life. Or, ya know, they can call me and ask, like a regular person would have before they could just creep my Facebook (which I rarely update anyways).

The second reason I’ve chose this as my resolution, is because I want to get back to the basics. I want to develop more skills and more importantly, I want to reconnect with people outside of technology. I’ve become a lazy person and an even lazier friend. I hope that this new year will bring new opportunities for me reach out and spend more time with the people I care about. I also hope to develop more as a person. Last year I took up cross stitching and although I’m no master I feel as though I have the basics down. This year I bought myself a water colour set and hope to spend more of my down time painting instead of scrolling aimlessly on my phone.

I know this all sounds so hippy dippy and dramatic, like “Kate, why can’t you just cut down?”. Well, because I am a social media addict, and I feel as though it’s easier for me to go cold turkey then continue to be sucked into wasting my time online.

Anyways, enough about that. Here are a few photos of my holidays from back home, enjoy!

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Love always,
Kate

 

Why I Continue to Write Dark & Twisty Things

Hello Folks,

While I appreciate and will forever be thankful to the multiple people who have reached out to me in regards to the content of my posts, I’d like to state that my posts are not a cry for help.

I began my blog over two years ago and from the beginning shared my raw, unfiltered feelings. I used my blog as a place to share my emotions, experiences and memories in writing for me to reflect on at a later date. I’m not sure why I ever chose to share my blog with family and friends, but I did, and I understand that comes with repercussions.

I always enjoyed reading blogs that you could tell came straight from the author’s heart. They weren’t edited with the messy pieces of their life being left out. They shared how their day sucked and how things don’t always work out the way you plan and it made me feel relieved that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. With so many people’s lives seeming picture perfect on Instagram, etc, it was nice to know that there was real emotions and trials underneath it all.

My biggest fear is that I will no longer be able to post what I like writing about. My dark twisty thoughts may be troubling to read, but I know that some people relate to them, and if I can make even one person feel less alone than I’ve accomplished something. If it upsets you, then I kindly suggest that maybe my blog isn’t for you, and that you seek out other reading material for your spare time.

My blog isn’t only gloomy content either, I like to share monthly playlists, house decor updates, travel diaries, concert stories and more. When it comes down to it though, my blog has no structure or schedule, I post what I want, when I feel like it, and if it happens to be ranting my emotions, then that’s what it will be.

I do apologize to the people that I’ve upset with my posts up to this point. Not everyone is how they seem, and although I feel like I’m a pretty open book I know that maybe some of the content of my posts have surprised people, especially due to the blunt and honest nature of my writing. But on that note, I will no longer apologize for posting what I wish to get off my chest. Consider this post a *trigger warning* for the depressing content of future posts haha.

Love always,
Kate

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21 Things

Hello Folks,

Today is Ryan’s 21st birthday, so inspired by a post I saw by Sydney Thornton (soelsister.com), I thought I’d share something I’ve learnt about Ryan for every year he’s been on this earth. So without further a due.

Ryan,

  1. You give absolutely everyone the benefit of the doubt. Although sometimes I’m skeptical about it, your big heart hasn’t gotten you in too much trouble yet.
  2. You are amazing at cheering people up, including me. It doesn’t matter how sad I am, you’re always able to turn around my mood.
  3. You’re the most laid back person I know. Where I’m always planning for the future, you’re taking things as they come day by day and it seems to be working for you a lot better than my planning is working for me, maybe I have something to learn haha.
  4. You’re a metal head and when you’d first play your music for me I’d literally beg for you to turn it off. You told me you’d get me to like the genre, and although I’d never listen to it on my own time, I have admitted to liking a few songs over the years and even went to a concert with you once!
  5. You have amazing taste in movies. Although I’m quite comfortable watching rom-com after rom-com, I’m so thankful you push me out of my comfort zone, because it’s never disappointing.
  6. You secretly love our height difference. I’m probably going to have neck problems by the time we’re old, and you’re certainly going to have back problems, but I know you love it when I have to go on my tippy toes to kiss you, or that when we hug my chest is only at your stomach.
  7. You’re an amazing present giver. I think it’s because you’re really observant and you always listen (even when it seems like you aren’t), but whenever an occasion rolls around, you always have the perfect thing picked out for everyone.
  8. Your wardrobe almost exclusively consists of band t-shirts and hoodies.
  9. On the topic of clothing, your favourite shoes are converse, and I’m so thankful for that, because if not, we may have never started talking in high school, and who knows, maybe we couldn’t be where we are now. (p.s. nice kicks)
  10. You are the worst texter on the planet. You can literally not answer for days sometimes and if it wasn’t for the fact that we live together, I would probably assume you’re dead haha.
  11. You’re one of the hardest workers I know. I don’t know how you work in the mines for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, but I’m so so proud of you for it. Although I constantly just wish you’d come home for good, you know what’s best for you, and right now this is best.
  12. You’re an extremely sentimental person and I adore you for it. I remember when I first found your wallet crammed with little pieces of paper and do-dads, I was shocked because you didn’t seem like the type. I remember for like a year you carried around a little balloon I tied into a bow (or was it a heart?) and I believe you still have that little key I gave you in your wallet now.
  13. You are an avid snacker and a horrible influence haha. We both don’t like cooking and we eat out wayyy too often, mixed with how many corner store runs we make, I’m surprised we’re not 100 pounds heavier haha.
  14. You’re an amazing artist. You are so talented at drawing and I still have all the doodles you drew me in high school.
  15. You ruin all your clothes. I literally have no idea how you do it, but you get holes in, spill stuff on or burn holes in so much of your clothes haha. I’ve sewed more of your pants than I’m proud of, and I know that currently you have at least one article of clothing on it with a weird stain on it waiting to be washed haha.
  16. Sometimes you need a push to get going, but you always go through with everything. Whether it’s little things like chores, to bigger things like going to the mine. You always finish what you commit to, but sometimes it takes you longer than I’d like haha.
  17. You don’t believe in ghosts, fairies or anything like that. You don’t enjoy conspiracy theories and you don’t think magic is real. And this is probably one of the things we’ve argued about most haha, so I think that says something about us as a couple (aka. we’ll be just fine).
  18. You can get on board with any crazy idea in literally seconds. It doesn’t help that your friends are crazy motherfuckers haha. I appreciate your trust in others and your enthusiasm with anything they craft up.
  19. You are one of the sweetest and selfless people I know. You let me get Posie when you headed off for the mines, knowing that you had allergies. I’m a horrible person for doing it anyways, and I know I’ve said it 100x, but I’m still so thankful you let me get her. I promise, only dogs and reptiles from now on though.
  20. You’re a giant nerd. You love comic books and video games and I honestly think you could spend your whole day with just those two things.
  21. Although you don’t share it on Facebook through articles like everyone else (me included) you have amazing morals and are always on the right side of social issues (in my opinion) and I’m so glad we’re on the same page for so many things in life.

I hope you had a wonderful birthday my love. I’m so happy your mom and dad brought your tall lanky blonde body into this world. I can’t wait to spend more birthdays with you, even if you don’t like them very much.

Love you always,

Kate xoxo

Staying Positive When Shit Hits The Fan

Hello Folks,

This week has kicked my ass. On Wednesday my wallet, along with $200, my i.d’s and a lot of really personal memento’s were stolen out of my bag at work.

Fast forward to Sunday, and I found out I may have bed bugs, and while having a full blown panic attack over this news, I dropped my laptop and now it’s broken.

I can’t say this week has been one of the best of my life. When I started getting a weird rash on my arms and stomach I consulted in a friend that suggested that they may actually be bug bites, bed bug bites to be exact because of their positioning. After ripping apart my sheets, I found one bug on the side of my mattress. I immediately called my super who sent a maintenance person to come check it out. The bug was still alive and I had captured it in a tupperware. He assured me it wasn’t a bed bug because it was too big, and because we couldn’t find any other bugs than the one that was on my mattress, he was convicted it was just a weird coincidence, that my “bites” must be something else and that the bug was just a bug. Being the O.C.D person that I am, I hyper ventilated as I ripped off all my sheets, checking them compulsively and washing and drying them all on hot temperatures anyways. I also removed my curtains and dried them too. I then proceeded to spray my mattress with bed bug spray, buy TWO bed bug covers because the queen one didn’t fit, and then put bed bug traps on all corners of my bed, couch and living room chair (although I didn’t see any signs of bugs in that room). I also vacuumed, and then proceeded to clean my vacuum.

It’s now Sunday night and I was walking home from the grocery store, thinking about my misfortunes and wondering what I did to deserve this bad karma. If it was my bad attitude, or if I did something worst that I’m not aware of. But then I realized that maybe this wasn’t so bad. And that sometimes the universe isn’t punishing you, but just that bad shit happens to good people but that good people just deal with it and move on, because they’re good people and they know how to appreciate what they have despite the misfortunes thrown their way.

When I found out my wallet was stolen I was completely broken. I only had my visa left because it happened to be in my pocket instead of in my bag when it was taken. I had been working a second job for the past week, which is why I had $200 in cash in my wallet. Friday was meant to be my last day and I planned on depositing the cash then once my job was done. When I went in Thursday I had told the man what had happened and how I was kind of freaking out about it. He felt sorry for me and offered to drive me back to my work once we were finished so I could look around for it. I took up his offer as it would have been about an hour walk, and with my bus pass and bus tickets being stolen, I didn’t really have another option but to walk. When I was leaving he went to pay me for my last day as he didn’t need me Friday after all. This man, who I had only been helping for a week, paid me an extra $80 just out of the kindness of his heart due to my misfortunes. I don’t believe I did anything to deserve this, and despite rejecting his money he was insistent that I keep it. I was completely taken back by his generosity and kind soul.

When I found out about my bed bugs I literally cried to Posie wishing that Ryan was here to help me deal with this. He’s the strong one who can deal with the stuff I’m too squeamish too. I tried calling a few Ottawa friends to see if they could help me with no luck. Desperately, I called an old friend who I had seen once in two years and kept very minimal contact with. Without hesitation they came and helped me. They helped me wipe down my mattress, check my mattress for bugs and eggs, take down my curtains and put a nasty plastic mattress cover on my bed. The thought of doing this all alone literally exhausts me as it was tiring enough with two people. I didn’t deserve someone who I’ve barely spoken to in ages help me, but they did.

When my laptop wouldn’t turn on, I called apple support and after unsuccessfully being talking through some steps, the kind tech support lady booked me the soonest appointment at my Apple store and assured me that it will be an easy fix and that everything should be ok. My lovely boyfriend also said I could use his laptop for as long as I needed.

I know this just seems like mindless rambling, but what I’m trying to say is I was handed three shitty situations and throughout all of them, I had the kindness of other people who did not need to help me, but did anyways. I didn’t even mention the manager at work who’s been trying to help me find my wallet, despite not even working at our store anymore, or my mum who sent me money when I was freaking out about not being able to afford to replace my i.d’s. Or my family who stayed on the phone with me as I had a panic attack about one little bug I found, and made them google images of bugs and bites to try and come to a conclusion of if I did indeed have bed bugs or not.

I’m so lucky to have the people I do in my life, and all of my problems are quick fixes. I may never get back the first photo of my kitten or Ryan’s high school photo that I had in my wallet, or the $50 bill that Doc (my late step-father) gave me in-case of emergencies that I’ve kept in every wallet I’ve used for the last 5 or so years. I won’t get those mementoes back. But I will remember the week from hell that challenged my patience and optimism, and I will remember all the people who helped me come out on top.

Love always,
Kate