Feelings

This is why my blog started back in 2014. I needed a non-judgemental place to spill my emotions to. You can read all about them here.

Slow Living + Minimalism

Lately I’ve been feeling a heaviness in my chest and a lightness in my head. It kind of feels like all my commitments are catching up with me while simultaneously it feels like I’m not doing enough.

I’ve been struggling a lot with feeling like I’m living in the moment. I spend so much time on social media and the internet, pretty much doing nothing, and I’ve really wanted to take a step back from that. I’ve always had a really addictive personality and I’m definitely addicted to social media. I deleted snap chat this past week because it was the app I felt added the least to my life. I like the idea of deleting everything but 1 app but it feels kind of impossible right now. I know I should be able to cut down without just deleting everything but sometimes it takes cutting something completely out to stop feeling like you need it.

Anyways, I’ve been trying to find ways to feel more connected with everything, with life. I started reading up on “slow living” and the idea really stuck to me. If anyone wants to read a summary of what it’s about, click here. I’ve been trying to get back into hobbies, get more involved in things at school or in the community. My biggest problem still lies in motivating myself to do more in ~the real world~ and spend less time in cyber space. I’m working on it.

On the topic of “working on it” – last week I did a massive purge of my closet and I’ve genuinely never felt better. Minimalism is something I’ve been working on for years and I don’t necessarily think I’ll ever feel like I truly accomplished it, but I definitely feel closer. I’ve spent the last couple years selling my “unnecessary” items on kijiji, which while wonderful I still never felt like it really made a difference and I still owned way too much junk. Moving into an apartment with roommates where I only had one room to myself definitely helped. I got rid of a lot of the non-necessities. This past week as I mentioned I feel like I took a big step and finally got rid of so much clothes I never wear. Getting dressed in the morning was becoming dreadful because I spent so much time picking stuff out and not even being happy with it. So I finally got rid of all the items that no longer fit, that are out of style, that I don’t feel happy wearing, etc. I 10/10 recommend this to anyone. Less is definitely more.

On top of this random emotional baggage I feel like I’ve been randomly really grappling with my past lately. I don’t know what it is, but things like “Facebook memories” just never let you move on from things. I’ve been trying to make amends with the parts of my past I’m unhappy with, or the things that are out of my control. It’s hard, but I’m trying. If anyone has any tips to just like – stop caring? – that would be wonderful.

Anyways, this is a lot of emotional word vomit. I hope that with the holidays coming up soon that everything will fall into place. Soon I’ll be submitting my application for Midwifery and that will be one less (very big) thing to worry about.

I’m just here trying to remember to ~breathe~.

Hello, October

Sometimes I get really anxious. It’s never about anything in particular, it just – happens. It feels like a combination of little things that would be fine on their own but added together becomes too much. I’m a self diagnosed hypochondriac (haha) and with cold season and the decline of warm weather has come an onset of symptoms to freak out about. Winter months are dreary for me and usually when I feel my worst, I’ve always thought I may have seasonal depression. Spring makes my soul feel like it’s in bloom and although the beautiful colours of the fall foliage got me feeling some-kind-of-way, it also feels ominous. Every autumn I try to prepare myself mentally for winter but it never seems to be enough. I hope this winter is different, I always hope each winter will be different.

I have been trying to confront my anxieties and some have been harder than others. Being surrounded by people at school countless hours a week is exhausting and spending so much time on social media outside of school has also been exhausting. I find it so hard to cut down without feeling like I’m missing out on new content, while simultaneously feeling like I’m missing out from real-world content. It’s something I struggle with a lot.

I know all my problems are currently within my own head, which I think can sometimes be the hardest part. To fight your own illogical need to feel anxious, with your own sense of rationality. I think sometimes it’s important to just take deep breaths, and to not pick on yourself for loses. This week I missed two classes because I needed the mental health break and I knew I wouldn’t suffer too badly by not going. And I think that’s ok. I didn’t get nearly as much work done, or do as many readings, but I did get some stuff done, I did finish group projects, answer e-mails, book appointments and sometimes that’s enough.

Sometimes I find it hard not to be my own biggest critic. I always tell myself I’m not working hard enough, that I’m not doing my best in school, that other people are doing more, are doing better, are happier, prettier, have more money, are doing cooler things. And in those moments I just stop myself. I focus on everything I’m currently proud of. I think of all the good things currently bringing happiness to my life. I think of my prospects and how everything I’m working on currently will pay off in the end. I take some deep breaths, grab a cup of water and give myself a mental hug.

It’s hard to give yourself a break sometimes, to tell yourself “you’re doing enough, you are enough”, so incase you weren’t able to say it today – you are more than enough. Now take a deep breath and go enjoy a nap – you deserve it.

How I Remain Positive

Hello Folks,

I don’t know what it’s been lately, maybe it’s the news or the weather but everything has felt generally negative. People seem more rude than normal and it doesn’t feel like any one puts in an effort to be nice to strangers anymore.

As you all know, I recently enrolled back at Carleton, and honestly I’ve been loving it. People ask me quite frequently (I think out of courtesy) how I’m liking school again so far and I always say I’m absolutely in love with my program, and I am. My professors are wonderful, the topics are engaging and I generally like my assignments as well.

The only thing I’ve had a problem with at school is other students. I can go a whole day at school without one person even making eye contact with me and I find that so bizarre. I know they say that millennials are always on their phones and connected through cyber space but not the actual space they are existing in, and it’s true. If we aren’t on our phones avoiding eye contact, we’re just looking the other way. It’s so strange how unable to interact with other people we are as a generation.

I’m sure some people reading this are like “thank god we’re like that, I hate when people stare at me”, but maybe there are also people out there like me who miss and value human interaction.

So here is what I do every day (mainly at school) to remain positive:

1) I make eye contact and smile at at least 1 person a day. It’s a small goal, but there’s something about seeing the look in someones eyes when they weren’t expecting anyone to be friendly towards them that day. It sounds sooo cheesy but I promise you it’s weirdly rewarding.

2) I think about how genuinely blessed I am to be in school. Again, so cheesy. After discussing with some fellow McDonald’s coworkers the other day, we decided that nothing makes you get your shit together faster than working full-time at McDonald’s. If you’re ever feeling ungrateful for your education, take a year off, work 6am-2pm shifts, Monday to Friday at McDonald’s and I promise you when you return to school the next year you’ll be begging to go to class.

3) Try to make friends. I have talked to and gotten aquatinted with at least one person in every one of my classes. Honestly, nothing makes a class go by faster than having someone to discuss the topic with and to make small talk with on the breaks. It makes time feel like it’s going by a lot faster and is also a hell of a lot less lonely.

4) I hold doors open for people. Always. If there is anyone behind me I hold it open. I don’t just push it really hard so it stays open for the next person. No. I take the 30 seconds out of my day to hold the door open for the person behind me. And guess what? I also smile at them when I do it.

5) On a similar note, I say thank you to every person who holds a door open for me. Even though most of them don’t look back to see who they’re actually holding a door open for, as soon as I say “thank you” they usually turn around and say “you’re welcome”. Such a simple way to value people’s efforts.

Anyways, I know these sounds so basic and simplistic but it’s astonishing how little effort people put into human interactions now a days. I know I probably sound like your grand mother who also doesn’t trust cell phones and thinks selfies are the most vain thing in human history even though she doesn’t bat and eye at how long it probably look the portraits of the Queen to be painted. Long winded example but you get my point 😉

My point is, sometimes being surrounded by tons of people who are putting off tons of negative energy can be really defeating, but it’s really easy to become that random act of kindness for someone who otherwise may have been having a shitty day, which in turn might may your day a little brighter too.

Love always,
Kate

Why I Continue to Write Dark & Twisty Things

Hello Folks,

While I appreciate and will forever be thankful to the multiple people who have reached out to me in regards to the content of my posts, I’d like to state that my posts are not a cry for help.

I began my blog over two years ago and from the beginning shared my raw, unfiltered feelings. I used my blog as a place to share my emotions, experiences and memories in writing for me to reflect on at a later date. I’m not sure why I ever chose to share my blog with family and friends, but I did, and I understand that comes with repercussions.

I always enjoyed reading blogs that you could tell came straight from the author’s heart. They weren’t edited with the messy pieces of their life being left out. They shared how their day sucked and how things don’t always work out the way you plan and it made me feel relieved that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. With so many people’s lives seeming picture perfect on Instagram, etc, it was nice to know that there was real emotions and trials underneath it all.

My biggest fear is that I will no longer be able to post what I like writing about. My dark twisty thoughts may be troubling to read, but I know that some people relate to them, and if I can make even one person feel less alone than I’ve accomplished something. If it upsets you, then I kindly suggest that maybe my blog isn’t for you, and that you seek out other reading material for your spare time.

My blog isn’t only gloomy content either, I like to share monthly playlists, house decor updates, travel diaries, concert stories and more. When it comes down to it though, my blog has no structure or schedule, I post what I want, when I feel like it, and if it happens to be ranting my emotions, then that’s what it will be.

I do apologize to the people that I’ve upset with my posts up to this point. Not everyone is how they seem, and although I feel like I’m a pretty open book I know that maybe some of the content of my posts have surprised people, especially due to the blunt and honest nature of my writing. But on that note, I will no longer apologize for posting what I wish to get off my chest. Consider this post a *trigger warning* for the depressing content of future posts haha.

Love always,
Kate

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Unforgettable: The Things I Type And Never Post

Hello Folks,

Time is such a bitch isn’t it?

You want to grow up and move out of town and you want everything to happen in hyper speed, but then you get there and can’t remember why you wanted this at all?

You wanted to be done school, living in your own apartment with your boyfriend, but then you grew up and realized you went to school for something you were artificially passionate for, you have an apartment but can’t afford nice things to fill it with, you have a boyfriend but he lives in a different province and you never see him or hear from him.

Time passes and you can’t even remember his voice and the only video you have is him telling you to stop video taping and although rolling his eyes is characteristically him, it’s not the moment you want to watch again and again. You want to remember how he smiles at you, or how he looks when he’s trying to cheer you up. Those are the memories you try and recall when you’re sad but you can’t, because no matter how hard you try, time has gone by and those memories aren’t as easy to recall as they were the day after they happened.

Then you try and think of other things that make you happy and you can’t do that either. Because you can’t remember the jokes your sister used to make with you, you can just remember that they made you laugh and that makes you happy, but it’s not as good as remembering what they actually were.

So you try to remember your mom, because she was one of the first people to ever make you happy in this world, but you can’t even remember what side she parts her hair on so it’s hard to come up with an image of her in your head and that makes you sad so that doesn’t really work either.

Then you remember how last week you tried to recall your Poppa, one of your absolute favourite people in the world and you couldn’t remember what his voice sounded like. You couldn’t remember what it sounded like and you could only picture him in his state after he got sick, and you hate that. Because at the time you felt old, you felt like you were at an age that was developed enough to remember your grandpa before he got sick, but now time has passed and you realize you were nothing but a child with a developing brain and a fading memory.

Time is a bitch and sometimes your memories fade and there is nothing you can do. So you try to recall recent memories. Memories you can remember with clarity, without the haze of the past covering them. But you blank, because sometimes there is nothing worth remembering.

When you were 14 and entering high school, feeling out of place, under developed and scared. You knew you were meant to be in your 20’s. All you wanted was to skip this phase and get out of there. Well it feels like you basically did. You can barely remember high school, or your old friends, or ex boyfriends or anything surrounding your time in high school at all really. You’re 20 now, almost 21, and you’re not good at it, but lucky for you, you probably won’t remember it anyways.

Love always for now,
Kate

 

 

Staying Positive When Shit Hits The Fan

Hello Folks,

This week has kicked my ass. On Wednesday my wallet, along with $200, my i.d’s and a lot of really personal memento’s were stolen out of my bag at work.

Fast forward to Sunday, and I found out I may have bed bugs, and while having a full blown panic attack over this news, I dropped my laptop and now it’s broken.

I can’t say this week has been one of the best of my life. When I started getting a weird rash on my arms and stomach I consulted in a friend that suggested that they may actually be bug bites, bed bug bites to be exact because of their positioning. After ripping apart my sheets, I found one bug on the side of my mattress. I immediately called my super who sent a maintenance person to come check it out. The bug was still alive and I had captured it in a tupperware. He assured me it wasn’t a bed bug because it was too big, and because we couldn’t find any other bugs than the one that was on my mattress, he was convicted it was just a weird coincidence, that my “bites” must be something else and that the bug was just a bug. Being the O.C.D person that I am, I hyper ventilated as I ripped off all my sheets, checking them compulsively and washing and drying them all on hot temperatures anyways. I also removed my curtains and dried them too. I then proceeded to spray my mattress with bed bug spray, buy TWO bed bug covers because the queen one didn’t fit, and then put bed bug traps on all corners of my bed, couch and living room chair (although I didn’t see any signs of bugs in that room). I also vacuumed, and then proceeded to clean my vacuum.

It’s now Sunday night and I was walking home from the grocery store, thinking about my misfortunes and wondering what I did to deserve this bad karma. If it was my bad attitude, or if I did something worst that I’m not aware of. But then I realized that maybe this wasn’t so bad. And that sometimes the universe isn’t punishing you, but just that bad shit happens to good people but that good people just deal with it and move on, because they’re good people and they know how to appreciate what they have despite the misfortunes thrown their way.

When I found out my wallet was stolen I was completely broken. I only had my visa left because it happened to be in my pocket instead of in my bag when it was taken. I had been working a second job for the past week, which is why I had $200 in cash in my wallet. Friday was meant to be my last day and I planned on depositing the cash then once my job was done. When I went in Thursday I had told the man what had happened and how I was kind of freaking out about it. He felt sorry for me and offered to drive me back to my work once we were finished so I could look around for it. I took up his offer as it would have been about an hour walk, and with my bus pass and bus tickets being stolen, I didn’t really have another option but to walk. When I was leaving he went to pay me for my last day as he didn’t need me Friday after all. This man, who I had only been helping for a week, paid me an extra $80 just out of the kindness of his heart due to my misfortunes. I don’t believe I did anything to deserve this, and despite rejecting his money he was insistent that I keep it. I was completely taken back by his generosity and kind soul.

When I found out about my bed bugs I literally cried to Posie wishing that Ryan was here to help me deal with this. He’s the strong one who can deal with the stuff I’m too squeamish too. I tried calling a few Ottawa friends to see if they could help me with no luck. Desperately, I called an old friend who I had seen once in two years and kept very minimal contact with. Without hesitation they came and helped me. They helped me wipe down my mattress, check my mattress for bugs and eggs, take down my curtains and put a nasty plastic mattress cover on my bed. The thought of doing this all alone literally exhausts me as it was tiring enough with two people. I didn’t deserve someone who I’ve barely spoken to in ages help me, but they did.

When my laptop wouldn’t turn on, I called apple support and after unsuccessfully being talking through some steps, the kind tech support lady booked me the soonest appointment at my Apple store and assured me that it will be an easy fix and that everything should be ok. My lovely boyfriend also said I could use his laptop for as long as I needed.

I know this just seems like mindless rambling, but what I’m trying to say is I was handed three shitty situations and throughout all of them, I had the kindness of other people who did not need to help me, but did anyways. I didn’t even mention the manager at work who’s been trying to help me find my wallet, despite not even working at our store anymore, or my mum who sent me money when I was freaking out about not being able to afford to replace my i.d’s. Or my family who stayed on the phone with me as I had a panic attack about one little bug I found, and made them google images of bugs and bites to try and come to a conclusion of if I did indeed have bed bugs or not.

I’m so lucky to have the people I do in my life, and all of my problems are quick fixes. I may never get back the first photo of my kitten or Ryan’s high school photo that I had in my wallet, or the $50 bill that Doc (my late step-father) gave me in-case of emergencies that I’ve kept in every wallet I’ve used for the last 5 or so years. I won’t get those mementoes back. But I will remember the week from hell that challenged my patience and optimism, and I will remember all the people who helped me come out on top.

Love always,
Kate

 

 

 

What I’ve Learnt From Working Out (So Far)

Hello Folks,

So this marks the close of week 3 of BBG 0.1. I’ve been working out close to every day for three weeks after pretty much never working out a day in my life. I’ve never really felt the need to exercise before as I’ve been naturally smaller my entire life (thank you metabolism), but after reading countless articles about how important exercise is, and how there’s no better time to start than in your 20’s I thought why not. I always love an excuse to improve myself.

Here are a few things I’ve learnt from working out so far:

  • I haven’t felt this confident since people started calling me ‘pretty’ instead of ‘cute’ when I was a transitioning teen.
  • The post-work out glow is real. I honestly find sweat really attractive now (is this super weird? probably haha).
  • I have not regretted one work out, but I feel immense regret when I push my work out back a day (not even skipping it, just rescheduling!). I think there’s just some sort of pride linked to knowing you completed your exercise for the day.
  • I finally feel like I deserve my body. I know I haven’t been at this very long, so maybe this one is a bit premature, but I never felt like I deserved to be as small as I am since I eat pretty poorly and I know that I maintained this size by having a good metabolism, which is ultimately out of my control, but since I started working out it finally feels like I am the reason my body is like this, not my metabolism.
  • I feel like I’ve gotten better at listening to my body. I know that some days I’ve pushed myself or even that I may have done an exercise incorrectly and I need to give myself a day break to let my body heal itself. I’ve just never been so self-aware of how my body is feeling and how I should be caring for it.
  • I feel stronger. Little tasks that used to leave me winded or sore are starting to become SO much easier. This excites me very much.
  • Along with a new found confidence, I feel such pride in myself. For finally starting something I’ve said I would for ages. For finally taking the first step in improving myself.

These are just a few things I’ve found so far. Nothing really health related, but just my experience. If anyone has started working out, or doing something else to improve themselves lately, I’d love to hear any things you’ve discovered!

Love always,
Kate


Some (rather unflattering) progress photos: