I’ve spent the last year thinking about dying. Thinking about why I think about dying. It’s confusing and painful and some times the thoughts feel so intrusive, like they aren’t thoughts of mine but ones that someone else is implanting in my mind for me.
In my last post I mentioned feeling suicidal and I’m thankful for the people who reached out to me (and my mother) after it was posted, but it got me thinking. I have some clarification I need to do. I was wrong, I’m not suicidal, because that may imply that 1) I want to end my life and 2) I have tried to end my life. Neither are true. I have come to the conclusion that my “suicidal thoughts” are not exactly that, but a desire to no longer exist, to no longer have to live my specific life.
I know it’s selfish to say, or even think. When it comes down to it, I’m very thankful for the opportunities that I’ve been given and I know that I live a very privileged life. My biggest struggles come from money and my own sanity, but as far as food, water, shelter and material goods, I’m extremely grateful.
Most of my resentment towards my own life lies with my mental state, which if you’ve been following me for a while, you know wavers constantly. Just today I was looking through old posts in an attempt to recategorized and organize them, and it was funny to see the back and forth between feeling like things were finally looking up, and feeling extremely dreary.
I just wanted to let anyone who’s been wondering know that I’m ok. Sometimes I get mad at my brain because it feels like it’s natural state is sadness. Normal people get to start each day with a blank state of emotions, with sadness, happiness, anger, etc. being added as they experience situations throughout the day. I feel like I’m broken in the way that my day starts with an off set of sadness, and I have to actively seek things that cause me happiness, and draw it out of the smallest situations, instead of that emotion coming to me naturally.
That might not make any sense, but it’s the best way I can find to describe it. What I’m trying to say, is that yes, I may be sad, but I’m ok, because the way I feel isn’t in direct correlation to something that has happened to me, but just how my mind chooses to start each day. I’m learning to live with my rain cloud, one day at a time, and I hope soon that instead of getting soaked, I can feel as though I’m dancing in the rain.