Time is such a bitch isn’t it?
You want to grow up and move out of town and you want everything to happen in hyper speed, but then you get there and can’t remember why you wanted this at all?
You wanted to be done school, living in your own apartment with your boyfriend, but then you grew up and realized you went to school for something you were artificially passionate for, you have an apartment but can’t afford nice things to fill it with, you have a boyfriend but he lives in a different province and you never see him or hear from him.
Time passes and you can’t even remember his voice and the only video you have is him telling you to stop video taping and although rolling his eyes is characteristically him, it’s not the moment you want to watch again and again. You want to remember how he smiles at you, or how he looks when he’s trying to cheer you up. Those are the memories you try and recall when you’re sad but you can’t, because no matter how hard you try, time has gone by and those memories aren’t as easy to recall as they were the day after they happened.
Then you try and think of other things that make you happy and you can’t do that either. Because you can’t remember the jokes your sister used to make with you, you can just remember that they made you laugh and that makes you happy, but it’s not as good as remembering what they actually were.
So you try to remember your mom, because she was one of the first people to ever make you happy in this world, but you can’t even remember what side she parts her hair on so it’s hard to come up with an image of her in your head and that makes you sad so that doesn’t really work either.
Then you remember how last week you tried to recall your Poppa, one of your absolute favourite people in the world and you couldn’t remember what his voice sounded like. You couldn’t remember what it sounded like and you could only picture him in his state after he got sick, and you hate that. Because at the time you felt old, you felt like you were at an age that was developed enough to remember your grandpa before he got sick, but now time has passed and you realize you were nothing but a child with a developing brain and a fading memory.
Time is a bitch and sometimes your memories fade and there is nothing you can do. So you try to recall recent memories. Memories you can remember with clarity, without the haze of the past covering them. But you blank, because sometimes there is nothing worth remembering.
When you were 14 and entering high school, feeling out of place, under developed and scared. You knew you were meant to be in your 20’s. All you wanted was to skip this phase and get out of there. Well it feels like you basically did. You can barely remember high school, or your old friends, or ex boyfriends or anything surrounding your time in high school at all really. You’re 20 now, almost 21, and you’re not good at it, but lucky for you, you probably won’t remember it anyways.
always for now,