I can’t express how good I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know if it’s the weather, the exercise, my diet, or just my general will to feel better, but something is working.
What’s still in the back of my mind is, “what am I doing?”. Days pass quickly and before I know it, it’s Sunday evening and I’m mentally preparing myself for another work week. I don’t enjoy what I do. Not in the slightest. Time goes by quickly though and although my days at work are becoming painfully repetitive, it’s routine and I get paid to do it, so oh well. But. How much longer can I just stay in a routine before it becomes THE routine. The one that I just continue to do my whole life because I just never chose to break away from it.
My dream job would be working as apart of the event staff for Comic Con, probably Toronto’s as it’s the largest in Canada, and if I was some how able to obtain an American visa and depending how the recent U.S. election goes, I’d love to move to the U.S. to work as apart of one of their many Comic Con’s as they’re much larger and more successful. I would also love to work as a personal assistant for a celebrity or major politician. These are all pretty far out, but none the less achievable.
Where do you start? How do you know if it will ever be achievable or if once you achieve it, that it was the right choice? If no, do you just start over? I know the answers to all these questions, but I don’t like it. I don’t like the idea of wasting more time to figure out what I already know: that I don’t know anything. Nothing can be predicted and only through trial and error will you discover what you should be – or what you think you should be – doing.
I don’t like those odds.
I know that I’m an over thinker. I have been since I was a little girl and it’s riddled my life with anxieties that have been out of my control. It’s hard to turn off something that works even when you’re sleeping. From the time you’re little you have a path that is beyond your control. You must finish elementary school, middle school and than high school. If you grew up in North America like me, you’re likely persuaded to pursue post-secondary education. Then you finish and you no longer have a path. No one’s telling you what to do, no school is telling you where you need to live. It’s all open and that terrifies me. Movies and television romanticize the idea of freedom and endless possibilities, but why does no one talk about how over whelming and stressful it is? How with every wrong decision you lose precious time and hard earned money just to get knocked back to square one?
I know that most wrongs can easily be made right. You move somewhere you don’t like? Move again. What about harder decisions though? What about quitting jobs that won’t take you back, choosing a life partner, moving somewhere that may end up deteriorating relationships with friends and family? Some decisions require analysis and risk management but you still can never know for sure until you try. And so I wait. And days and then weeks pass and I’m still here. Not taking risks because I can’t calculate their chance of failure.
My life is stable and comfortable but at the same time is riddled with endless anxiety that I’m missing out on something bigger. That isn’t the only thing I worry about though, no, I’m also constantly worrying that I’m taking what I’ve already accomplished for granted and that this is the something bigger.
I know I started this by saying that I’ve been feeling better and now it might now sound like it, but I promise that I am. It’s just that making life decisions is hard.