Every once in a while I get a crippling sense of lack of progression, lack of accomplishment, lack of everything. I seriously sit still and just look into space and think about how I’m still here and how I have no idea what I want my future to be and it’s honestly terrifying.
I’ve always lived in the future, granted to a usually unhealthy degree, but I did. I always knew what I wanted to be, where I wanted to live, what I wanted to do. Now that I’ve reached the age that I should be doing these things it’s like these ideas couldn’t be further from my mind.
I originally went to school to be a Clinical Child Psychologist. Hilarious right. I was going to first do my psychology undergrad, followed by my masters, followed by my PhD, some where along the line specializing in children, particularly critically ill children. I’m not quite sure how this became a dream of mine, but I wanted to do it. I began psychology at Carleton and some where along my first year at school my ideas changed. I knew that I didn’t want to spend 11 years and thousands of dollars in school to get a job.
Honestly, to me, a job is just that, a job. I’ve never thought that you need to be super passionate about your job, or that you need to make loads of money. I think both are bonus’s, but not necessities. On average, you spend 40 hours a week at work, that doesn’t include late nights or bring home work, just your average work week. That leaves you with with 128 hours to do what ever else you please. I personally choose to fill my 128 hours with the things that I’m passionate about, the things that make me happy, and the other 40 are just what make me money to pay for the other 128 hours.
So when I thought about being in school for 11 years to get me the job where I would be for 40 hours a week (granted probably more with this particular job), it just didn’t make sense. Not to mention my true dream has always been to be a mum, and I knew that if I wanted to be a stay at home mum, at least until my child got into elementary school, that it probably wouldn’t happen while I held a 6 figure position. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are tons of hard working momma’s (and poppa’s) out there that work very hard while also raising children, but I just didn’t think I could ever balance such an emotional career while also raising babies.
Instead of psychology I tried to figure out what else I liked, what I was good at, what came naturally to me. That’s when I thought: planning and organizing. I applied for Event Management at Algonquin College and the rest is history. Sort of. The year mark of my graduation is creeping up and the further I get away from my graduation date, the less hopeful I feel about ever getting a job in my field, and frankly, the less I care.
When I first graduated I looked for the most important sounding, demanding jobs. Slowing my standards (or expectations) lowered and I started looking directly for entry level positions, and then positions that just related to events in some way, and then almost not related to events at all. It’s weird how it happened but something that I was so passionate about became some how irrelevant to what I would be spending my 40 hours a week doing.
I know that I’m unhappy where I am now. I’m tired, I’ve gained weight, my face has filled with spots, I don’t care about my appearance, my general attitude has plummeted and today for the first time in a long time I raised my voice at someone. It literally startled me as it happened. I know that I can’t stay there much longer and it got me thinking about my 40 hours a week. I know I said it’s just making money, but there needs to be some level of happiness, if not sanity involved. I just don’t currently have that.
This is what lead to my crippling sense of hopelessness. I haven’t even gained progress on what I think I’d like to do. I know that one day I want to live by the mountains and the ocean. That I want a house filled with sunshine and white walls. That I want fresh flowers in every room. But in my day dreams there isn’t a part where I go off to work at ______. I dream of one day owning a bed and breakfast, but unfortunately I don’t have any extra bedrooms yet and I also need to learn how to make breakfast haha.
Like always I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I guess I’m just looking for somehow to make 40 of my 128 hours a week less sucky.