Before anyone I knew read my blog (not that there’s a lot of you now) I used to pour my heart into cheesy and depressing as hell posts. I believe all are deleted or hidden now, but sometimes I miss shouting into the void.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my flaws lately. I think my biggest one is my inability to live in the moment. I can’t describe to you how picture perfect my life is right now. My apartment is more cozy and quaint than I could have imagined, I have the best boyfriend in the world, I’m getting loads of hours at work, but something is missing and I can’t stop searching for what it is. I think back on the last year of my life and everything I’ve accomplished and everything that made me feel accomplished. I liked being in school, being apart of a collective group of like-minded people. I liked overloading myself with work, school and a (poor) social life.
There’s something that’s empty in my chest right now and I just wish I could figure out what it is. I feel as though until I can figure it out I won’t stop obsessing over it and I won’t enjoy the present as much as I know I should be. It’s so hard to explain but it feels like something or someone is missing. Like I lost something but now I can’t remember what I lost and it’s stuck bothering me at the back of my mind like some sort of unwanted shadow. I haven’t had any falling outs with friends or anything recently so it’s hard to imagine what could have gone missing.
I know that right now a large portion of the most important people in my life I only see on occasional basis’s and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss everyone. My family and a number of my best friends live in different cities around the world and it breaks my heart I can’t just walk over to their house and snuggle up and watch a movie and chat to them about our days. It’s an odd part of growing up that they don’t warn you about. That everyone you care for will move away and disperse and that you’ll only see each other on holidays between family dinners and the ones that you’re lucky enough to keep close by will have their own entirely different busy life where you don’t always fit into anymore.
It just feels like I should come home to a little person running into my arms or a cat twirling between my legs as I try to take off my coat, but I just walk in the doorway and nothing happens. No one is there. It’s just me. And I can’t explain why I have these expectations or why I think that this is my life and then suddenly I remember it’s not. But when I do clue in that there is no one for me to take care of, and that every inch of the apartment is as clean and organized as it can be, I feel hollow.
I suppose I sound rather crazy, and I’d love if anyone has every felt similarly to tell me so I don’t feel as much like a nut job. But these are the posts I used to type and not save, or publish and then delete moments later. But I want my feelings to feel validated, like I’m acknowledging that they exist and that this is just one more step in trying to figure out why they exist in the first place. I hope you all don’t mind. I suppose you can just not read the post if you don’t fancy my craziness anyways.
I guess that’s all I have to say for today.