I feel the need to apologize for how bland and depressing my posts have been lately, and this post isn’t going to be an exception to that. Life is sad so my posts are sad, I’m sorry. But in all honesty, my life is textbook amazing, I have a belly full of food, I have a roof over my head and my family is all safely tucked in their beds. I try to remind myself of these things when I’m feeling down on myself and thinking about how crummy everything has been lately. But I think that sadness is relative and it doesn’t matter how many people have it worse and no matter how mundane your own problems may seem, it doesn’t make them seize to exist.
I’m lucky enough to have left my last job on a really good note and I’ve decided it’s time to suck it up and go back to work. I haven’t tried nearly as hard as I’d like to say I have on finding a new job in my field, but with September approaching and looking for a new apartment, I need to be employed even if it’s at McDonald’s. I will continue my search for a job that is related to my field of study, but in the mean time I need to make money. I can’t tell you how big of a defeat this has felt like. I loved working there, and some times I honestly missed it and the people I worked with, but at the end of the day I’m still an almost-20-year-old who has paid money and worked hard to gain a certificate that will just hang on my wall until further notice. My heart sinks thinking about how I wasn’t good enough for any of the positions I applied for and it makes me wonder if I ever will be.
I think I’m the type of person that tries really hard to stay optimistic and to hope for the best but eventually I just can’t do it anymore and tears just start flowing through the cracks. Lately I’ve been trying really hard to find an apartment for Ryan and myself for this September. After multiple viewings and countless hours searching online I finally found the perfect apartment. It was in a beautiful building, in a nice neighbourhood, near my friends, and under our budget! I went for a viewing and honestly fell in love. I could just picture all our things in the drawers and our photos on the walls. I went in the next day to hand in our application and they said it would take 1-2 days to process and then they’d let us know if we’d been accepted or not. The long weekend unfortunately hit and it’s now been 5 days since I’ve heard back. I even sent an e-mail in regards to the status of our application and got no reply. It sounds crazy, but thinking about this apartment has kept me up at night. I’ve had countless dreams of receiving an e-mail that said we got accepted/declined for the apartment. At this point I wouldn’t even care if we did get declined, I’d just like to be given the peace of mind. It’s silly things like this that I have tried so hard to stay positive about, just blaming the long weekend for people not being in the office and for processes taking longer, but eventually you start to lose hope and I just break down crying and take a nap (my answer for everything).
I just thought that I’d finish school, go on my trip and then come back and and find a job within the next month. Instead I’m going back to McDonalds, I currently don’t have anywhere to live in less than a month and I’ve gotten sick of seeing my own face in the mirror. I hope that going back to work (even if it’s in fast food) will give me a bit of purpose back and motivate me to keep making little changes.
Sorry for being such a dark cloud. I honestly relate more and more to Eeyore everyday.